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National Weather Service Reluctantly Takes On Role Of Forecasting Next Gun Massacre

As a nation once again debates whether to debate whether to do anything meaningful to make it harder for Americans to kill masses of people with guns, sources with the National Weather Service said they plan to include potential threats of gun violence in their forecasts.

One official sighed very deeply. “This was the last thing anybody wanted to do. However, the threat of a shooting spree in an urban area or a madman going on a rampage has become a part of the atmosphere in the United States,” the official added. “Like predicting the path of a tornado or hurricane, staff have a duty to analyze this part of the atmosphere and warn communities so they may avoid danger or take shelter.”

Asked how forecasting the nation’s next worst tragedy in modern American history would work, another official shared, “Meteorologists would report the latest numbers on gun sales, the most popular arms in key areas, and the ratios of Second Amendment barrel-humpers to typical residents, who are still capable of openly feeling empathy for human lives.

It is important to emphasize that this remains a proposal within the National Weather Service. But officials said faced with a nation that can only pray after a madman goes berserk at a convention for Nobel Prize winners or some asshole mows down children outside of a preschool for the deaf and blind, it seems they have no fucking choice but to accept violence, like people accept the dew that forms on their grass during a cool morning. They must give Americans, who don’t want to die, the ability to make the best choices possible to keep living in this wacked out world.

Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola is managing editor of Shadowproof. He also produces and co-hosts the weekly podcast, "Unauthorized Disclosure."