The breakneck pace of President Donald Trump’s first twenty-five days were dizzying and exhausting, to say the least, but nonetheless, all that Trump accomplished was quite impressive.
In this short period, Trump deported some dangerous immigrant moms and restarted pipeline projects to take more land from Native Americans and drown them in pools of oil. He issued orders to protect dainty and vulnerable Blue Lives in law enforcement, who fear black people telling them not to kill in cold blood. He figured out how to use the phone to chew out world leaders, instituted the Dr. Seuss principle for government regulations, and waved a notice at Iran as a show of strength. He also issued a ban on Muslims that was not really a ban and put federal judges, who upheld a block on the ban, in their place with a sharply worded ALL CAPS tweet.
His White House embraced right-wing media, helping them break down barriers so their love of the Constitution and white people would be given the serious consideration so deserved. The administration survived a scandal sparked by former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn because he spoke to Russian officials about making Russia great again before the job of making America great again was completed. (And the NSA caught him, and they were like, oh, no you didn’t!)
Looking forward, Beyond Satire has obtained a leaked copy of Trump’s future schedule. This is what Trump and his administration plan to accomplish by his 100th day as president.
February 20: Appoint a commission to investigate the real truth of how the Earth is actually not getting warmer. The team will travel to Antarctica, where they will study snowflakes as proof the planet is just fine.
February 23: Encourage Americans to challenge political correctness on college campuses and in the liberal “fake news” media with a new “Word Of the Month” program. Each month, the press secretary will announce a word that should be rescued from the clutches of elitist criticism. The first word will be “illegals,” followed by “thug” and “towelhead.”
February 28: Gather jars of fetuses that survived abortion and display them in the Oval Office during a press event that will show the country how important it is to celebrate God’s precious human tissue before it develops into a baby that could be poor, black, or worse, an anchor baby.
March 9: Hold a meeting with some top executives in the mining industry and develop a path forward to liberating the resources of a country of their choosing in Africa. U.S. troops will travel to and occupy this nation because Americans need their bi-annual state-sponsored geography lesson and industry executives just want to make money, per usual.
March 15: Put all the nation’s regulations in a big “Make America Great Again” hat. At the leisure of the president, each time one is pulled out that regulation will be abolished. White House visitors will be invited to pick from the hat once a month, and the first regulation we hope to see gone is the Clean Water Act because it’s just a sad and embarrassing piece of legislation that fails to balance the health of children with our country’s need to line the pockets of industry innovators with lots and lots of money.
March 20: Put all the “Dreamers” who were in the U.S. under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) policy in privately-run programs, where we will train them to be loyal American citizens. They will speak English so well you won’t even know what country they’re from—except they’ll still be brown-skinned. They will be in facilities operated by some fabulous companies, who care about the greatness of this country, and if these kids prove themselves, perhaps, they may not be deported like their moms.
March 24: Solve the problem of catastrophic violence in the Inner Cities with a purge. It will last 12 hours. We’ll let all the thugs, gang bangers, homeboys, coyotes, cholos, and just bad guys in general kill each other while mostly good people clear out for awhile. Then, after the bad guys get it out of their system, we’ll have whoever is still alive sign a truce. You’ll see the murder rate of 67 percent per Inner City block plummet overnight.
April 6: Compile a list of the most uninspiring species of animals, ones that children never draw in their grade school classes or see in cartoons. Those species and their habitats will be the first to be sacrificed when expanding mines for energy production. After all, who really needs a raccoon dog confusing our country’s children? I mean, bless their hearts, either we have dogs or raccoons but not raccoon dogs.
April 17: Unchain coal executives, who have been kept in underground Greenpeace dungeons for years because the previous administration needed to disappear them to force America to abandon coal. This will be a first step to ensuring coal is once more a top energy resource.
April 21: Take the country’s top-secret and highly classified baseball cards of suspected terrorists on the kill list and hand them out to administration officials to trade like Pokemon cards. Administration officials will face off over which ones are bad dudes and the baddest of the baddies will be killed after each match. Or tortured. Or both because that’s what we do to really bad dudes.
April 27: Send CNN anthrax. We have this stuff lying around in containers the FBI found at some white supremacist’s home. The guy actually led a good GOTV effort during the election. Anyways, we’ll sit back and laugh at CNN, as they scramble, and Sean Spicer will call them out during a briefing when they ask terrible questions and their sources get the truth of what happened completely and utterly wrong.