Beyond Satire

Trump’s Cabinet Of Terror: Let Us Explain To You What These Foul Creatures Really Think

We watched or combed through the transcript of every confirmation hearing for Donald Trump’s cabinet picks this past week to bring you this explainer that is sure to make your knees buckle and induce nausea. This is not for the faint of liberal hearts.

Here are the views of each Cabinet pick, who had a Senate confirmation hearing this past week:

SENATOR JEFF BEAUREGARD SESSIONS, Attorney General Nominee

—Deport hundreds of thousands immigrant students with compassion.

—Was waterboarding torture? Well, Congress and the military says it is now.

-Detaining Americans indefinitely without charge or trial is clearly an option

-Roe v. Wade, which enshrined a woman’s right to choose an abortion, is evil and abominable, but don’t worry about whether I’ll fairly enforce this evil and abominable law.

-Blue Lives Matter

-David Horowitz is brilliant. A most brilliant, inspiring, and traditional American person. Not a racist hateful man but a brilliant writer.

GENERAL JOHN KELLY, Secretary of Homeland Security Nominee

—Americans are afraid of refugees because they come from countries that don’t have large shadow governments, which intrude into the lives of citizens and can tell us who they are like we do.

—We were successful in Iraq when we reached out to tell Muslims we were there for good, not evil. I’ll stick to that strategy.

—I have not been involved in discussions about how many people the Trump administration plans to deport, but I imagine they will all be deported.

—I don’t know anything about the northern border. Are there brown people threatening our northern border?

FORMER EXXON MOBIL CEO REX TILLERSON, Secretary of State Nominee

—Just try and ask me about my history as a merchant of doubt on climate change

—Some literature, which we helped pay for, is inconclusive on whether climate change causes droughts, floods, etc.

—America should be at the table with other countries that want to address climate change. Hell if I know what we’re going to do at that table.

—You don’t have to worry about whether I’ll advance Exxon Mobil’s business when former colleagues give me a call. My deputy will answer the phone. Not me.

—Moral Clarity

—Duterte massacres people in the Philippines? If that’s what the news reports say, but you can’t believe everything you read in the news.

ELAINE CHAO, Secretary of Transportation Nominee

—I’m like the only Cabinet pick people don’t viscerally hate. But I’ll probably be despised after Trump privatizes air traffic control.

RETIRED GENERAL JAMES MATTIS, Secretary of Defense Nominee

—The largest military in human history, which has a budget that is bigger than all other countries combined, is too small for my taste. We can and should do better.

—Let’s not balance the budget on the backs of our military when there are un-enlisted poor folks who Congress can have sacrifice.

—The F-35 is an incredibly expensive piece of shit fighter jet that we will most certainly keep using.

—It isn’t to our advantage to not have U.S. military forces in every part of the world, including a polar ice cap in the Arctic near the last remaining polar bears.

—History is my guide. Russia is breaking our northern Atlantic alliances. We must seriously consider building a time machine to fight history and stop Russia.

—Warrior Ethos

REPRESENTATIVE MIKE POMPEO, CIA DIRECTOR NOMINEE

—I’m very excited to carry on the tradition of undermining the world’s confidence in our support for freedom and democracy.

BEN CARSON, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Nominee

—Brains have billions of neurons. That is how I’ll do this job well with no experience.

—We don’t need overtime pay or a minimum wage. We need hungry, overworked, and homeless people to be better entrepreneurs.
—LGBT people don’t deserve extra rights.

—If a grant or program helps a lot of people, so what if Trump secretly makes a lot of money off it.

—It will not be my intention to do anything that benefits any American.

—World Class Plan

—Poverty is a choice. We have to develop our people not to choose poverty.

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Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola is managing editor of Shadowproof Press. He also produces and co-hosts the weekly podcast, "Unauthorized Disclosure."