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Jill Stein Is Like Your Cool Hippie Grandma—And That’s Not A Good Thing

Millennials are drawn to Jill Stein, a doctor-turned-folk singer who is running for president again as the Green Party’s nominee. They see a grandmother who will share her special recipe for cannabutter with them and share stories about coming of age in the days of flower power. But while it may seem like hippie grandma is the antidote to all the hate and bigotry of this election, millennials should not be tempted by grandma.

Stein may be on a majority of ballots, but what millennials need to understand is that earlier generations decided third-party candidates are political lepers. They resigned themselves to the fact that having candidates from two political parties control a system, which gets exponentially worse every four years, is the best solution for handling everything from making sure corporations enjoy the rights they deserve as people to increasing the odds of human extinction because the threat of climate change can never be real enough.

There also is a bit of history millennials do not know. A crusty old consumer advocate named Ralph Nader once ran for president. In fact, he had rallies that filled stadiums like cool socialist grandpa, Bernie Sanders. But Nader went on to win enough votes to push America to the brink of nuclear war, and it was frightening. No one would have ever thought voting would potentially move us closer to annihilating humankind, and it took Kevin Costner to pull us back from what seemed like certain doom.

Another thing millennials should know is Jill may seem like your sweet grandma in a flouncy blouse, who always wants you to sit with her by her bean garden while she plays mandolin, but Jill is really more like a babushka. That is, she is a Russian grandmother. In this case, she is dictator Vladimir Putin’s grandmother.

I read it at The Daily Beast. Not only is she a favorite guest of the network, RT America, which stands for Russian Trojan and aims to propagandize youth with the ideas of American dissidents who can barely organize a potluck, but she also traveled to Moscow and attended an awards dinner, where Putin’s best friends competed to see who could give him the best and most greatest award. When Putin overheard Jill confessing that she liked his stuffed bear collection, which was on display in the banquet hall, Putin did an about-face and said, “Вы хотите быть моя бабушка?” (Translation: “You want to be my grandma?”)

Now, there are millennials, who will say they have an enormous amount of student loan debt, and Jill has told them if a black hole sucks Planet Earth through it and we all come out on the other side alive and well—and she becomes president—then she will forgive all the debt. While that could help millions, this is just grandma’s hippie fantasy, which she dreamed up while she was at the Cosmic Hamlet by the Sea in Alaska marveling at the Northern Lights.

Hippie grandma could never bailout all the students because all the Democrats, and their progressive backers, would come in and laugh and accuse her of not understanding economics. Then, the banks would fleece America again. Probably, there would be another economic crash that put another few million out of work. The Democrats would instead have to use whatever money was available to bailout their friends on Wall Street, who blow smoke rings with their cigars as they relish how much they own them.

Finally, isn’t it kind of sexist of hippie grandma to run against a grandmother, who truly has what it takes to run this great country?

Millennials need to realize that Jill Stein is privileged and never has had to struggle in her life. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, has had to struggle quite a bit. She long ago gave up moral purity, and became a lawyer who would represent corporations in their fight to undermine the dignity and human rights of people all over the world. Do millennials think Hillary wanted to be the first woman on the board of Walmart? No. She just recognized we can’t all be doctors, who pioneer homeopathic solutions to illnesses, and then join a band of troubadours to tour the country and sing about peace, love, and the finer qualities of a good batch of nut butter.

Hillary stared the darkness straight in the eyes, embraced it, and then found a way to turn it to her advantage so she would one day be positioned to break barriers and make history. Stein has never played the game. That makes her cool to millennials, like their grandma who is always talking about the power of a good drum circle. Unfortunately, no amount of sun worshipping or tchotchke crafting can prepare one for the job of Leader of the Free World.

Note: If you have not figured it out already, allow us to inform you this is deliberate and intentional satire.

Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola is managing editor of Shadowproof. He also produces and co-hosts the weekly podcast, "Unauthorized Disclosure."