We managed to uncover some of the sections from Hillary Clinton’s speech at the Democratic National Convention, which were cut. When possible, we did our best to figure out where these sections would have appeared if they had not been removed:
And I want to thank Bernie Sanders. Bernie, your campaign inspired millions of Americans, particularly the young people who threw their hearts and souls into our primary. I always found it impressive that so many more young people liked you, Bernie, instead of me. I locked myself in my hotel suite after campaign events and laid in bed with my Alaska Bear-brand sleep mask thinking, what is your secret? How could I be cool and not some basic white girl? I can be a dank meme too. Don’t they know we had Katy Perry and Lena Dunham on our campaign?
And to all of your supporters here and around the country [Sanders supporters]: I want you to know, I’ve heard you. I mean, let me tell you: I heard you so loud and clear that sometimes I needed extra pills for headaches after a campaign event. The DNC is supposed to handle this sort of thing beforehand, but sometimes people got into events anyways and yelled loud noises at me. I would say turn up that Demi Lovato song. They still threw temper tantrums. Can we tell you to grow up? No, that won’t convince you. We could just chant counter-slogans, drown you out, and enforce compliance. Probably not the best idea yet most watching at home would never know.
Now, I need to make it look like I am on board with this idea of unity. Here it goes: Your cause is our cause. Our country needs your ideas, energy, and passion. That’s the only way we can turn our progressive platform into real change for America. We wrote it together – now let’s go out there and make it happen together.
America is once again at a moment of reckoning. Powerful forces are threatening to pull us apart. There has been an awakening. Have you felt it? The dark side and the light. That’s from “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Did you all like that movie? J.J. Abrams is a friend and supporter of this campaign. And there is another one coming soon, right? I hear some of the young people really like it so vote for me, and we’ll keep Star Wars movies great. No more animated movies with slightly offensive gay Jabba the Hutt uncles.
Our country’s motto is e pluribus unum: out of many, we are one. There is another motto in our country: like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. There is also, what can brown do for you? Personally, I like nothing lasts like the Energizer. It keeps going and going and going and going. Will we stay true to that motto?
So don’t let anyone tell you that our country is weak. We’re not. Don’t let anyone tell you we don’t have what it takes. Let me tell you something: you don’t let anyone come between us. Nothing tears us apart. In Greek mythology, the Titans were greater even than the gods. They ruled their universe with absolute power. That is Denzel Washington in, did you guess it? That’s right. “Remember the Titans.” Well, in the final months of this election, it’s our universe. Let’s rule it like titans.
That’s why we’re here…not just in this hall, but on this Earth. The Founders showed us that. And so have many others since. They were drawn together by love of country and the selfless passion to build something better for all who follow. I mean, sure, a lot of Native Americans were killed and there were some folks who we enslaved that lived very miserable destitute lives. But they believed in the promise of this country too. The idea that they could build something better for us and one day they would be able to possibly benefit from it too. However, they would have to survive Jim Crow, mass incarceration policies, and a new wave of Jim Crow laws. But now they have “Hamilton” and can be proud of this country. That is the story of America. And we begin a new chapter tonight.
Note: If you have not figured it out already, allow us to inform you this is deliberate and intentional satire.