We managed to uncover some of the sections from Donald Trump’s speech, which were cut. When possible, we did our best to figure out where these sections would have appeared if they had not been removed:

I will present the facts plainly and honestly, as well as any billionaire who has worked hard for this country. And I am a billionaire. I check my accounts daily. Three times in a day. Once before I have one of the masseuses in my home come and lather me up with the finest bathing oil. Then, later in the day, I get a report on my accounts from Stanley. He’s a great guy, a real fine upstanding gentleman, but he got in some trouble with “America’s Got Talent” after he tried to give them a ratings boost with an act, where he makes a sculpture out of African elephant bones in front of a live audience. They wouldn’t go for it. They said they’re endangered. I don’t know. I couldn’t say. I have one in my home. Maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t. We cannot afford to be politically correct anymore.

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As long as we are led by politicians who will not put America First, then we can be assured that other nations will not treat America with respect. Respect means not admitting you’re wrong when you’re not wrong. I have not admitted we were wrong at any point during this campaign. Do you know why? Because there is media that says they have checked my facts, and they don’t like my facts, but you know they’re agenda. They have an agenda. We have to get rid of this agenda. We will have a commission of some of the finest people I know when I’m president that will review what I say and show the American people that I’m right. And when I’m wrong, which I haven’t been wrong, but if I am, then the Americans can see the truth, and we’ll be more respected for it. Because we aren’t respected anymore. Nobody thinks we know what is right or wrong. Frankly, we’ll get tough on people who can’t handle the truth. This will all change in 2017. The American People will come first once again.

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In this cause, I am proud to have at my side the next Vice President of the United States: Governor Mike Pence of Indiana. We will bring the same economic success to America that Mike brought to Indiana. He is a man of character and accomplishment. The word of God really does move through his body. I felt it. He let me touch him and feel the passion within him. It’s just such a sensation and really an honorable thing. We turned down the lights and I had my team bring in some candles so Mike could show me how he speaks in tongues. I had seen this on TV before. He asked for the blood of a stool pigeon to dip his fingers in before we talked about the sanctity of life. God has a special currency he wants us to make for him, Mike told me. We’ll print our own money if we have to, but maybe we can make what we have work, minus that Aunt Jemima lady they want to put on our bills. But take it from me. Mike Pence has a line to the big man in the sky. He is the right man for the job.

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My opponent asks her supporters to recite a three-word loyalty pledge. It reads: “I’m With Her.” I choose to recite a different pledge. It comes from my family. I have made them pledge themselves to me. Like my children, they learned early on what it means to be loyal to their father. Ivanka, give it up one more time for my daughter, Ivanka. A real ten. She can have anything she wants. I’ve looked her in the eyes before and told her if I was her age and met her I would buy her and make her my wife. But I don’t have to do that to love her because she’s my child. She knows the real price of loyalty. So does Don, Barron, Eric, and Tiffany, that pact that bonds us together as people when we have gold leaves pureed into a liquid that can be injected into our bodies and make us a greater family unit. It hasn’t happened yet, but one day. My pledge reads: “I’M WITH YOU – THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.”

Note: If you have not figured it out already, allow us to inform you this is deliberate and intentional satire.