It is nearly Election Day, and I would like to clear up any confusion out there. If you think I am only voting against President Donald Trump, you are terribly mistaken. I have a hawkish crush on former Vice President Joe Biden, Senator Kamala Harris, and their campaign, and I cannot wait to see the Biden-Harris ticket triumph.

I mean it. I may have a history of supporting bombing campaigns in the Middle East. I may have shilled for a few right-wing policies here and there that would benefit powerful corporations. I may have framed the first page of the crime bill in 1994. But that is exactly why I will kneel on the ground Biden walks upon before he boards the Amtrak to the White House.

Biden hugs people. I saw Biden hug a child. Biden took that child in his arms in a big way. That child was not a preteen so it was not gross like it would’ve been if Trump put his arms around her. Trump would have been thinking of Ivanka. With Biden, even if he sometimes gives you that dirty grandpa grin when he puts on his ballcap, he doesn’t think about fucking his children or anybody else’s children.

Every day Biden wakes up, he is thinking about compromising. He actively seeks out people, who are repulsive and no longer representative of politics in the United States, and he says, “You know, maybe we can work together to make progress not happen.” This is good because Biden has a tough time inspiring people so he accepts that it is not worth it for Democrats to pretend to be an opposition party. From the beginning, he will welcome Republicans into the White House so the hope for change that haunted the Obama administration does not return.

Biden is not a radical tool. He’s just a tool, and he will always be a tool. He is a tool right now. He is being used by Republicans, who do not like Trump, to beat Trump because we let the Republican Party become infested with some of the worst termite, cockroaches, and rodent politicians—people even Biden would not want to work with when elected. But back to the main point, a social justice president who gives the American people progress, like the Green New Deal, Medicare For All, or an expanded Supreme Court, would make me more irrelevant than I already am to the average American.

In terms of foreign policy, Biden will not let despotic leaders manipulate him. He will manipulate the despotic leaders. That is the way it is supposed to be as America maintains its dominance in the world. We tell countries when to drop bombs for us and whether we need them to uphold human rights (sometimes it can get in the way). And then, those leaders are free to govern and serve the interests of American corporations.

Biden is not afraid to admit that he was wrong. Remarkably, he will gladly read any plagiarized speech his advisers give him in order to get the press off his back. There is no need for any government employees to go leaking to the media. Do you want him to start a commission and go after leakers? C’mon, let’s not let the Russian, and Iranians, and Chinese tear us apart.

We have gotten away from listening to experts. Do you recall when the experts brought us a financial crash in 2008 that was the result of massive fraud on Wall Street? And when they brought us a good old fashioned war of occupation in Iraq and an endless but good war in Afghanistan that my son is now fighting? (Hey, son. If you’re reading this, the family really wishes you’d post less about QAnon on Facebook.)

It is true that Biden is not a reality television star. Cable news media ratings and the bottom lines for news media organizations will likely suffer, and media will need to fuel some kind of moral panic to keep consumers glued to their screens. But don’t worry. Part of my job is feeding into panics so that I can get invited on the evening news to show off my shiny bald head, which I learned to groom myself during COVID-19.

Biden is a winner, and I look forward to going to the White House with a mask to kiss his feet and congratulate him on restoring elites we can believe in to positions of power. I even attached a white card inside my fedora so I can get his autograph and ask him to invite me to the Oval Office to debate him during his administration. (I’m willing to lose the debate, of course.)

So join me in showing enthusiasm for Biden. I’ll be setting off pee tape golden shower fireworks when the people return this country to the same status quo that brought us President Trump.