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George Soros Hired Me As A Paid Protester, But I’m Still Waiting For My Money

More than a year and a half ago, I demanded that George Soros pay me the money I was owed for fomenting protests around President Donald Trump’s election. I still have yet to see a single dime for my services as a professional anarchist.

The sugar daddy of the Democratic Party promised me $2,000/week. I was promised health insurance—not the American kind but a plan imported from Scandinavia. I was even told I would get a retirement account as well as a sizable bonus at the end of 2017. Quickly, I realized this was one massive con job.

But I am afraid I must admit the conservative media and the hetero Nazis who spread so much propaganda are correct. Soros and his vast network spent the past couple of years pioneering a jobs program for left-wing activists to topple Trump.

The problem is Papa Soros, as his grassroots army call him, only pays ten percent of the people employed. He believes he only needs to pay a small faction. Angry liberals will cycle in and out rapidly, and he can dispose of them like he disposed of me.

I keep moving from hostel to hostel hoping I’ll get the money I was promised. One staff member even claimed I was never employed, which is a bald faced fucking lie since I signed a non-disclosure agreement!

I’m going to remain a thorn in his side. Following Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court, conservative media is foaming at the mouth for reporting on paid protesters.

Antifa comrades on the inside tell me the courtiers working for Soros, who still let him believe he can have global domination, developed a policy to scrap all salaries and go to a freelance model. This will make it harder to uncover who is and is not a paid protester.

Anyone wanting to be paid by Soros now keeps track of the number of times they chant certain slogans and how many protests they attend:

  • Extra money is paid to those who confront senators and representatives in elevators or at restaurants. (“Get the Flake!” Soros was bellowing from his marble office before confirmation.)
  • The slogan, “Fuck Trump,” and, “Not My President,” are simple chants that pay the lowest amount.
  • Soros is a fan of “Pussy Grabs Back” and absolutely adores, “We want a leader, not a creepy tweeter.” These pay about three times more than the lowest-paying chants.
  • Soros will push bands of activists to chant, “Trump is a flaccid worm/See you in the midterm,” “Trump isn’t nice/So abolish ICE,” and, “No borders, no Trump/Toss him in the dump!”

Of course, there will come a time when there will be no use for the Soros network anymore. His global agenda is not our global agenda, and we will have to struggle with him over the right analysis for organizing our society. His power and influence will have to be contested in the streets.

I still want my money, though. I can’t believe that power-hungry elitist has still not paid me!

I would sue Soros if I was not totally against using any of part of the capitalist-imperialist machinery to achieve justice! I am much more committed to tearing shit down! I’ll tear Soros down if I ever see him again!

Oh, and don’t misrepresent me. Kavanaugh has the pasty face of a privileged gang rapist if I’ve ever seen one, but in this country, that makes him well-suited for the Supreme Court.

Until the next communique, I must go. Death to président orange! Viva la manifestants d’ascenseur!

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Emiliano Goodman

Emiliano Goodman