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Tips For Politicians Looking To Swiftly Dispatch Pesky Reporters

These days a politician cannot seem to go anywhere without encountering a journalist, who thinks he or she has the right to thrust a recorder in your face and ask a question about the day’s latest developments that are making the news.

Here are some tips for handling reporters, who may aggressively try to perform journalism on you:

1) Roll Deep

All it takes is an entourage of beefcakes surrounding you to make the next reporter think twice about asking a question about the Congressional Budget Office’s score for the latest version of Obamacare repeal legislation.

2) Arm Yourself With NERF Weapons

It is currently illegal to shoot a reporter, and even if it is in self-defense, killing a reporter may not pay dividends for your political career. But you still can stockpile NERF weapons so you are prepared when some reporter asks if President Donald Trump should be impeached.

Possible weapons of choice: Super Soaker or a Zombie Strike crossbow.

3) Trap Doors

We all know what could happen if you had to address what will happen to poor people who will lose their health care under Trump’s budget. Cutting a hole in your office floor with a carefully placed rug will give you an element of surprise to deflect these gotcha questions.

There is also virtually no reason to worry about liability for any injuries. Your corporate sponsors know you’re committed to their bottom line over the lives of ordinary Americans. They will help you.

4) Go Even More Medieval

What may also be useful is a moat and a catapult, which most politicians these days do not have. Lucky for you, there are contractors who will gladly build both. (This is also an opportunity to be a job creator and put Americans who vote for you to work.)

A moat will stop reporters from getting anywhere near you to ask about pre-existing conditions or Betsy DeVos’ scorn for the tradition of public education. If any pesky liberal bloggers get through this defense, pluck them right off the ground and launch them back into the parking lot from whence they came.

5) Decoys Trained In Your Favorite Form Of Martial Arts

This is your opportunity to apply what you learned on your many foreign trips funded by the wealthiest one percent. You may go with the “art of eight limbs” from Thailand or the blade culture of Filipino martial arts or a more classic Japanese form, like Judo. Either way, your staff will be eager to learn a new set of skills.

Once they are trained for combat, funds raised by dark money groups will help you pay for makeup artists and costume designers, who can create multiple living and breathing versions of you. Journalists may still get close enough to ask why you want to cut programs Americans depend upon to survive, but chances are they won’t actually be talking to you. You’ll be able to grin and stand back as decoys protect you from so-called warriors of truth, who have a hoidy toidy sense that your commitment to the rich is somehow repugnant and foul.

President Trump's First 100 Days. Photo by White House on Flickr.
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President Donald Trump and King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud of Saudi Arabia talk together during ceremonies, Saturday, May 20, 2017, at the Royal Court Palace in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. (Official White House Photo Shealah Craighead on Flickr)
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Arbuckle Preston

Arbuckle Preston