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I Was A Professional Anarchist Paid By Super-Rich Liberal George Soros To Bring Trump Down

Weeks into the presidency of a buffoonish but vicious tyrant, I feel compelled to take off my black bandana, hooded sweatshirt, and kick off my steel-toed boots to reveal myself to the people. This is especially for those who believe the United States is faced with an uprising led by professional anarchists and paid protesters.

They are right. In this communique, I will unmask myself, and thus, in doing so, there will be truth.

I can say they are correct because I was hired by New York Hedge Fund manager and elite liberal sugar daddy George Soros to personally chair an anarcho-commission of agitators. We were asked to treat our work like that of a corporation. The more franchises we could start in cities across America, the more likely we would be able to tear down Donald Trump.

But the only problem is Soros is a bitch-ass dickstain.

That motherfucker promised to pay me $2,000/week and give me health insurance. He promised to set up a retirement account. He even promised to give me a sizable bonus at the end of the year. But after the inauguration, when it was time to be paid, no check came in the mail.

It is almost the end of February, and still, no check has come. I have receipts from traveling to Washington, D.C. that I need reimbursed! I have student loans from my Left-Wing Revolutionary Studies Major to pay off, asshole!

So, I am violating the non-disclosure agreement I signed to expose Soros’ professional anarchist dealings, which are aimed at undermining the most vicious and most brutal capitalist empire in the world.

The left-wing billionaire financier told us during our weekly office meeting on January 12 in a high-rise building in Manhattan that Trump “will be a dictator,” if we let him “get away with it.”

He said I have bags of commie-pinko cash lying around this place. “Help yourself to it, and if you need more, just say, ‘Viva Zapata!’”

Soros left, and we brainstormed how to foment rebellion so America would never be great again: how we would brand ourselves, who our anarcho-competitors were, what our market analysis when factoring influence of other left-wing billionaires paying protesters was, how many laws we would break, and whether we would rely on crowbars or bolt-cutters to advance upon the Gestapo-like police forces that would amass to protect Trump.

We came to a consensus after smashing a few sheets of glass that found objects, fragments of the capitalist state, would be wielded by our antifa brothers and sisters to tear down the artifice maintained by the filthy rich.

Let me tell you, comrades. I was on the streets when Nazi pigfucker Richard Spencer was punched in the face. It went viral, and Soros talked to me on the radio I had back at the flat in a bourgee corner of D.C.

We blasted video out to anarchist consortium stakeholders, and those who have prime investments in affinity bookstores, as well as left-wing boards of directors in charge of liberal college and university syndicates. The trend of punching Nazis was born, and we celebrated by hoisting our black flags into the air.

“We will beat back white fascists with the strength of a thousand black crosses!” our collective proclaimed.

But it’s the middle of February and fuck you, George! I have comrades who have had to outrun the pigs coming at them with pepper spray! I have comrades who showed off their training skills from our anarcho-boot camps deep in the forests of Oregon! Comrades leap four and five feet to snatch flags of white supremacy from the hands of agents provocateurs! They’ve had the pigs tie them up and toss them in jail and for what, George???!!!

The black blood of anti-fascism flows deep within, and George has gotten plenty of bang for his buck. This could have been a banner year for radical anarchism!

Our will to violence was buttressed by our black sky thinking!

We had a battle rhythm that would power us into the leadership of the Democratic Party! And now George won’t be above board with me!

Who shuts shit down? We shut shit down!

Who forms autonomous networks with bullish outlooks that give the resistance a bleeding edge? We form autonomous networks with bullish outlooks that give the resistance a bleeding edge!

But, George, I am broke!

I will have to turn to state-sponsored subversion through the global capitalist industrial-complexes penetrated by inner webs of deep state crisis actors, who are hellbent on silent fascist coups, designed to put pressure on the human syntheses that we need to focus upon for our collective liberation!

That is, if you don’t send me my fucking money now, you bourgeois chode monster!

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Still image from White House livestream.
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Emiliano Goodman

Emiliano Goodman