Fewer Americans than ever are willing to express their unrequited devotion to the United States, and yet, on Independence Day, that is exactly what we as Americans must do.
We cannot let President Donald Trump be the only one who bear hugs Old Glory. If we let him be the only one who smothers himself with the red, white, and blue, we’re saying liberal and much more humane citizens are not Americans who would dry hump symbols of freedom in public as well.
Trump does not even know the words to “God Bless America,” but we do. We know how to annoyingly sing about some deity, who vastly prefers our blessed country to any other country. We can belt out the musical notes of liberty better than this mangled apricot ever will.
Furthermore, the center cannot hold if we let Trump have “Star-Spangled Banner” all to himself. Sure, it has racist underpinnings, but it sounds great when sung by thousands of people in baseball stadiums owned by billionaires who can tell Trump he’s the Smartest President in Mankind History™ and get him to do anything they want.
So douse your hot dog in Heinz Red, White, & Blue™ ketchup. Swirl it around into a dark slime. Place it in a bun with red, white, and blue stripes baked into the bread. Sprinkle some star-shaped onion bits over that hot dog. Grab a bottle of Mountain Dew.S.A™. Shake it up and then let the drops of carbonated sugar water rain down on you while you hoist your hot dog in the sky for America.
Pull that raggedy flag from Walmart in a little closer. Let it envelope your body. It may feel crass as it wraps around your ass, but remember, we aren’t the ones telling people we need to round up immigrant children for U.S. military concentration camps, and we have every right to make people cringe with our hedonistic displays of nationalism too.
And if that isn’t enough to convince you and your family that it’s okay to shout America from the rooftops while Trump is president, take a can of cheese whiz and squirt it all around letting the glops of processed sauce fall on you like the droppings of a pigeon.
Or, sorry, make that like the droppings of an American bald eagle. For Freedom.