The latest announcement from Samsung is that smart phone sales have peaked, and Samsung believes the Internet of Thingys (IoT) is the Next Big Thing. The IoT vndors want your ID, and be wise, don’t be an ID IoT.

Samsung wants your thermostat, baby cam, watch, home security system (cameras etc), fridge, washer dryer, cooker, TV and light bulbs (to mention just a few devices)all controllable over the Internet, probably by Wi-Fi.

We suspect the Mafia as well as your Internet Service Provider, Google, Facebook, NSA , the FBI and other members of the Five Eyes (we’d not use the body part “eyes” to describe them, but something a bit lower down on one’s anatomy). Collecting your information and selling it to corporations and government agencies is big business. They call it “Big Data,” because of the huge volume they collect and sell.

We’d also note that The International Brotherhood of Robbers and the others on our list probably have very similar outlooks on ethics, respect for the law, and your individual privacy. They believe that they can protect their privacy by force, while making the most of the information they gather about you. Seems paranoid? If you think so, you haven’t done your homework.

On a related topic, we’d note that trying to bring the terms “Wi-Fi” and “Security” together is probably not possible. Hooking your home, car, phone, and other devices to the “Internet of Things” using Wi-FI is insecure, and invites exploitation of Wi-Fi’s well-known weaknesses. We conclude that the “Internet of Things You Should Not Do” is very likely to make your life much less secure, and not private at all.

We can image the theft of your cell phone leading to remote access to your home, followed by a moving truck, where you will be greeted by the splendid discovery that you home has been stripped bare of all your worldly possessions, relieving you of the necessity to call in the movers before beginning the repairs and repainting necessary to make your home habitable again.

We can also see how misplacing your cell phone could lead to the US FISA Court deciding that because it’s your fault someone took your phone, you effectively gave them consent to search your home, and discover your secrets.

In other words, it’s your fault and you have no privacy. Your insurance company will also be delighted to deny all claims, as they will state that it’s your fault you let some stranger have the (electronic) keys to your home. Remember, Insurance Companies make profits when they do not pay claims.

Facebook, Google and your ISP will all be very pleased to sell details of your every waking and sleeping moment at home, to enable advertisers to blast you with just the right advert for the particular moment and condition when you make yourself visible to adverts – which are always protected under the US Constitution as “free speech.” Free, that is, until you use your credit card, then it’s not so free anymore.

We image you seated on your porcelain throne, browsing on your smart phone, and the Internet of Things you Don’t Want decides you’ve been sitting on your smart throne too long, and flashes you an advert for laxatives, given new meaning to “context based advertising.”

While we are on the subject of Smart Home Internet Technology, we’ll describe the ideal washer and dryer combination:

  • Picks up dirty clothes from the floor
  • Washes them
  • Dries them
  • Irons them
  • Sorts them
  • Puts them into the correct closet
  • And tells you where to find the clothes when you cannot
  • And it is voice-actuated to answer questions

Another name for this ideal appliance is “Mom.” However, Moms may be voice activated, but Moms come with other features which are not so user-friendly, especially to the slovenly humans aged between 5 and 25, and there is no “off” switch. One of the Mom’s most important features is the built-in filter that lets her decide what information to send, and what information is to be left unsaid. No IoT-enabled device comes with a reliable information suppression filter.

We don’t want to speculate on Nagging Fridges, and their similarity to a familial relationship, but we’re not impressed with the concept of a device which could measure our beer consumption to the milliliter.

We have some advice for the people enamored with the internet of things.

Don’t Do It. It will decrease your personal and home security, and it will not simplify your life. It will merely let anyone who’s interested in spying on you or robbing you do so more efficiently than they could before. Refusal IS an option, probably the wisest one. Proponents of technology always claim that the technology is either neutral or beneficial; they seem to forget to inform you of its shortcomings. While we are certain that this oversight is always accidental, you need to be aware of the downside of the technology before you decide to adopt it. Otherwise, you are likely to encounter some unpleasant surprises.

Don’t say you weren’t warned. Don’t be a victim of Facebook’s, or anyone’s Smart Home Internet Technology.