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Christmas in the White House Basement

Hold the fat bastard down!

Answer me punk! Is it true that you give toys to every child in the world? Even the ones whose moms and dads are terrorists?

Hah, that’s material support. Hit him with the electric shock.

Do you refuse to hand over the naughty or nice list for us to use in drone targeting? Tell me, do it now!

He won’t answer. Let’s anally feed him again.

My turn, my turn.

No, you did it last time.

Alfreda! Cheney! Stop fighting. Look at his jolly, round belly like bowl full of jelly. He’ll need plenty of anal feedings. There’ll be time for everyone.

I wanna use the candy cane on him.

No, no, chestnuts!

Alright, if you won’t cooperate old St. Nick, we’re going to rape a loved one in front of you. That should loosen your tongue. Bring in Rudolph.

Cheney, get off the damn reindeer. We’re only threatening to do that this year.

Damn reindeer was asking for it. Lookit the way she prances around with that saucy red nose.

Now old man, we’ll shave off your beard. I think that offends his North Pole religion.

And blast him with the music. No, no, not more Nine Inch Nails. Hit him with the ten minute Christmas song loop they play over and over while you’re in line for 40 minutes at Walmart.

Hey, who wants egg nog?

Feinstein, you came! We invited you again this year of course, but I never expected you to show up after everyone caught you with Brennan in the supply closet. I bet that hurt. It is good to see that whatever the CIA does to you, you are never fully humiliated.

Well, it is the season to be jolly.

So, everyone, gather round, Barack is about to waterboard Santa.

Aw, he always gets to do that first.

Now, now, boys, you all know you’re not spending this Christmas in jail because of Barack, so show some respect. Anyway, we’ll move the mistletoe over the waterboarding table and everyone will get a chance to torture Santa. Sheik Khalid Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times before he was made insane for freedom, so Santa will be screaming with us for a long time.

After that, can we watch the tapes again? Please?

Well, OK, Condi, one more time. Uncle Jose brought his own copies of the torture tapes again this year —

You said the T word, you said the T word! Five dollars into the jar.

Ugh, OK. Anyway, Uncle Jose brought the, er, enhanced interrogation tapes for us all to enjoy — really, Jose, you shouldn’t have — but after that, it is right to bed for everyone. We have to render Santa all around the world, to every country that tortures so they can all have a “crack” at the bastard, in just one night. Even with an early start, that takes some Christmas magic!

Hey, wasn’t Jesus tortured to death in a way?

You’re right, He was. Why, we’re putting the Christ right back into Christmas!

God bless torturers and those who support them, everyone!

Honey, I don’t know how you do it, but every year it just gets better.

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Peter Van Buren writes about current events at blog. His book,Ghosts of Tom Joad: A Story of the #99Percent, is available now from Amazon

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Peter Van Buren

Peter Van Buren

Peter Van Buren has served with the Foreign Service for over 23 years. He received a Meritorious Honor Award for assistance to Americans following the Hanshin earthquake in Kobe, a Superior Honor Award for helping an American rape victim in Japan, and another award for work in the tsunami relief efforts in Thailand. Previous assignments include Taiwan, Japan, Korea, the UK and Hong Kong. He volunteered for Iraq service and was assigned to ePRT duty 2009-10. His tour extended past the withdrawal of the last combat troops.

Van Buren worked extensively with the military while overseeing evacuation planning in Japan and Korea. This experience included multiple field exercises, plus civil-military work in Seoul, Tokyo, Hawaii, and Sydney with allies from the UK, Australia, and elsewhere. The Marine Corps selected Van Buren to travel to Camp Lejeune in 2006 to participate in a field exercise that included simulated Iraqi conditions. Van Buren spent a year on the Hill in the Department of State’s Congressional Liaison Office.

Van Buren speaks Japanese, Chinese Mandarin, and some Korean (the book’s all in English, don’t worry). Born in New York City, he lives in Virginia with his spouse, two daughters, and a docile Rottweiler.

Though this is his first book, Peter’s commentary has been featured on TomDispatch, Salon, Huffington Post, The Nation, American Conservative Magazine, Mother Jones, Michael Moore.com, Le Monde, Daily Kos, Middle East Online, Guernica and others.

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