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Bowe Bergdahl Swapped for that Marine in Mexico (Satire)

Drove his truck across the Mexican border “by accident” with three firearms and hundreds of rounds of ammunition inside.

Just ahead of the highly-contested midterm elections, Obama administration officials are denying rumors that they swapped Bowe Bergdahl, the soldier himself freed from Taliban captivity through a swap for five Guantanamo prisoners, for Marine Sergeant Andrew Tahmooressi.

Tahmooressi was released by coincidence just before the election after several months in a Mexican jail.

“It was a good ride,” said Bowe Bergdahl, “but like I told the Taliban guys on my last day with them, hey, nothing lasts forever.”

Background: Bergdahl

Bowe Bergdahl, serving with the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, ended up in Taliban custody. Some soldiers in his former unit straight-out called him a deserter who aided the enemy and put American lives in danger.

The Army report on what happened is classified, so we’ll never really know. What is known is that to free Bergdahl, the Obama administration made a controversial decision to swap five Taliban prisoners at Gitmo (the U.S. government previously called one of them “among of the most significant former Taliban leaders detained”) for Bergdahl.

Background: Tahmooressi

Tahmooressi’s case is much less dramatic. He was no longer even in the Marine Corps when he drove his truck across the Mexican border “by accident” with three firearms and hundreds of rounds of ammunition inside. He did not declare the weapons and was arrested. He denied accusations he intended to sell the weapons in Mexico. His case became a right-wing tool used against Obama.

Very-briefly-Obama-UN-ambassador Bill Richardson was sent to Mexico last week and by some coincidence, just days before the contested midterm elections in the U.S., Mexico dropped all charges against Tahmooressi and he was returned to America for “humanitarian reasons,” ostensibly for treatment for PTSD from his Afghan service.

Or Is It…

Tahmooressi’s release was attributed by the Obama administration to successful diplomacy and advocacy on the part of the Obama administration. But speaking far off the record, sources inside the White House gave a different version of events.

“Ahead of the midterms, we needed to remove this tool from the Republican toolbox, so Tahmooressi had to come home,” said someone who looked like National Security Advisor Susan Rice but really, really was not. “But of course this had nothing to do with politics, whatever, you people are the dumbest country on earth anyway. Bergdahl was just a political tool for us and always knew his deal wasn’t for keeps, and so it was time to call in that debt. Nobody rides for free.”

“We offered Mexico six Taliban from Guantanamo as a first try,” said Bill Richardson, just back from south of the border, knocking back a quart of black market tequila with a Cuban cigar. “Hell, in Afghanistan we got Bowe, who was a lousy Army guy, for only five out of Gitmo. I figured since Tahmooressi was a Marine we’d up the ante, and eventually we were ready to give the Mexicans as many Taliban as they wanted for him. We even had JSOC on short-call to go get us some more fresh meat Taliban if necessary. But no go. Mexico wanted an American for an American.”

“At that point,” chimed in not-Rice, “the option set started to close down. We offered Justin Bieber, but a) he turns out to be Canadian and b) the Mexicans said ‘hell no.’ I think it was Joe Biden who first suggested we trade Bergdahl, but as soon as he said it we all knew it was the way to go. Barack called Hillary, who signed off on the deal, and we executed.”

Bergdahl Responds

“Like they said, my release from the Taliban was always subject to change,” said a friendly Bowe Bergdahl from his Mexican jail cell. “I knew from the beginning if the Army report on my ‘going over’ to the Taliban leaked out I was headed back to Kandahar, so I’d kept a bag packed anyway. Then this Mexican thing came up and since it included free food and all, I figured why not. You gotta give back.”

“And who knows, right? The day may come when I can get swapped a third time for someone else, and thus continue to serve my country and its short-term election needs. I still get the occasional Facebook poke from the Taliban, so that door is always open.”

Mexico

Refusing to speak on the record, Mexican authorities confirmed that all Americans are insane. Despite taking Bergdahl in what they term as a face-saving move, new directives now require Mexican police to conduct field mental illness tests on any Americans prior to arresting them.

“Can’t they just stay on their side of the border?” asked the Mexican official in exasperation.

————————–

Peter Van Buren writes about current events at blog. His book,Ghosts of Tom Joad: A Story of the #99Percent, is available now from Amazon

CommunityThe Dissenter

Bowe Bergdahl Swapped for that Marine in Mexico (Satire)

Drove his truck across the Mexican border “by accident” with three firearms and hundreds of rounds of ammunition inside.

Just ahead of the highly-contested midterm elections, Obama administration officials are denying rumors that they swapped Bowe Bergdahl, the soldier himself freed from Taliban captivity through a swap for five Guantanamo prisoners, for Marine Sergeant Andrew Tahmooressi.

Tahmooressi was released by coincidence just before the election after several months in a Mexican jail.

“It was a good ride,” said Bowe Bergdahl, “but like I told the Taliban guys on my last day with them, hey, nothing lasts forever.”

Background: Bergdahl

Bowe Bergdahl, serving with the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, ended up in Taliban custody. Some soldiers in his former unit straight-out called him a deserter who aided the enemy and put American lives in danger.

The Army report on what happened is classified, so we’ll never really know. What is known is that to free Bergdahl, the Obama administration made a controversial decision to swap five Taliban prisoners at Gitmo (the U.S. government previously called one of them “among of the most significant former Taliban leaders detained”) for Bergdahl.

Background: Tahmooressi

Tahmooressi’s case is much less dramatic. He was no longer even in the Marine Corps when he drove his truck across the Mexican border “by accident” with three firearms and hundreds of rounds of ammunition inside. He did not declare the weapons and was arrested. He denied accusations he intended to sell the weapons in Mexico. His case became a right-wing tool used against Obama.

Very-briefly-Obama-UN-ambassador Bill Richardson was sent to Mexico last week and by some coincidence, just days before the contested midterm elections in the U.S., Mexico dropped all charges against Tahmooressi and he was returned to America for “humanitarian reasons,” ostensibly for treatment for PTSD from his Afghan service.

Or Is It…

Tahmooressi’s release was attributed by the Obama administration to successful diplomacy and advocacy on the part of the Obama administration. But speaking far off the record, sources inside the White House gave a different version of events.

“Ahead of the midterms, we needed to remove this tool from the Republican toolbox, so Tahmooressi had to come home,” said someone who looked like National Security Advisor Susan Rice but really, really was not. “But of course this had nothing to do with politics, whatever, you people are the dumbest country on earth anyway. Bergdahl was just a political tool for us and always knew his deal wasn’t for keeps, and so it was time to call in that debt. Nobody rides for free.”

“We offered Mexico six Taliban from Guantanamo as a first try,” said Bill Richardson, just back from south of the border, knocking back a quart of black market tequila with a Cuban cigar. “Hell, in Afghanistan we got Bowe, who was a lousy Army guy, for only five out of Gitmo. I figured since Tahmooressi was a Marine we’d up the ante, and eventually we were ready to give the Mexicans as many Taliban as they wanted for him. We even had JSOC on short-call to go get us some more fresh meat Taliban if necessary. But no go. Mexico wanted an American for an American.”

“At that point,” chimed in not-Rice, “the option set started to close down. We offered Justin Bieber, but a) he turns out to be Canadian and b) the Mexicans said ‘hell no.’ I think it was Joe Biden who first suggested we trade Bergdahl, but as soon as he said it we all knew it was the way to go. Barack called Hillary, who signed off on the deal, and we executed.”

Bergdahl Responds

“Like they said, my release from the Taliban was always subject to change,” said a friendly Bowe Bergdahl from his Mexican jail cell. “I knew from the beginning if the Army report on my ‘going over’ to the Taliban leaked out I was headed back to Kandahar, so I’d kept a bag packed anyway. Then this Mexican thing came up and since it included free food and all, I figured why not. You gotta give back.”

“And who knows, right? The day may come when I can get swapped a third time for someone else, and thus continue to serve my country and its short-term election needs. I still get the occasional Facebook poke from the Taliban, so that door is always open.”

Mexico

Refusing to speak on the record, Mexican authorities confirmed that all Americans are insane. Despite taking Bergdahl in what they term as a face-saving move, new directives now require Mexican police to conduct field mental illness tests on any Americans prior to arresting them.

“Can’t they just stay on their side of the border?” asked the Mexican official in exasperation.

————————–

Peter Van Buren writes about current events at blog. His book,Ghosts of Tom Joad: A Story of the #99Percent, is available now from Amazon

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Peter Van Buren

Peter Van Buren

Peter Van Buren has served with the Foreign Service for over 23 years. He received a Meritorious Honor Award for assistance to Americans following the Hanshin earthquake in Kobe, a Superior Honor Award for helping an American rape victim in Japan, and another award for work in the tsunami relief efforts in Thailand. Previous assignments include Taiwan, Japan, Korea, the UK and Hong Kong. He volunteered for Iraq service and was assigned to ePRT duty 2009-10. His tour extended past the withdrawal of the last combat troops.

Van Buren worked extensively with the military while overseeing evacuation planning in Japan and Korea. This experience included multiple field exercises, plus civil-military work in Seoul, Tokyo, Hawaii, and Sydney with allies from the UK, Australia, and elsewhere. The Marine Corps selected Van Buren to travel to Camp Lejeune in 2006 to participate in a field exercise that included simulated Iraqi conditions. Van Buren spent a year on the Hill in the Department of State’s Congressional Liaison Office.

Van Buren speaks Japanese, Chinese Mandarin, and some Korean (the book’s all in English, don’t worry). Born in New York City, he lives in Virginia with his spouse, two daughters, and a docile Rottweiler.

Though this is his first book, Peter’s commentary has been featured on TomDispatch, Salon, Huffington Post, The Nation, American Conservative Magazine, Mother Jones, Michael Moore.com, Le Monde, Daily Kos, Middle East Online, Guernica and others.