Obama Forms New Coalition of the Willing
President Obama, in meeting with NATO leaders in Wails, has formed a new, improved coalition of the willing to combat ISIS, which is believed to be better than Bush’s coalition of the willing for Invading Iraq.
Better because of both Obama’s Golden Oratory, and his behind-the-scenes threats, were much more effective than Bush’s clumsy speechifying. Bush’s behind-the-scenes threats were much less effective when the Eurozone believed they could challenge the hegemony of the US Dollar.
Since Greenspan and Bernanke, the US-controlled IMF and World Bank have completely exposed the US-fabricated design flaws in the Euro, thus reducing the Euro zone to a quivering mass of ineffective austerity. In the UK Bush’s Poodle (Tony Somebody…) was replaced by Obama’s Poodle, and complies with the US especially when there is NSA based incriminating evidence of the UK’s Eton and Oxford establishment having their own private pedophile ring, thus ensuring British agreement to Obama’s plans.
The UK is outraged about the private pedophile ring with prominent leftists complaining about the private nature of the ring and its exclusivity, and demanding the ring by publicly funded and become socialized and thus available to all citizens.
The New and Improved Coalition of The Willing (NAICOTW, pronounced NeeKaping), is targeting ISIS members in Iraq and Syria. ISIS members will be identified by reviewing the work history, driving licenses (especially licenses for heavy equipment and pickups), full body scans at randomly-located desert checkpoints, and family background reviews, under the aegis of the US’ TSA, based on its list of successes in using background checks and in identifying terrorist suspects, as well as the extraordinary perfection of its extensive no-fly list.
A spokesperson for the TSA stated
We expect a minimal three to four week delay in crossing deserts, while we process the travelers, and we encourage them to bring an ample supply of 3 oz filled water bottles to sustain themselves on the trip, because we’ll confiscate large amounts of potentially dangerous fluids, including water.
In a related announcement Nestle has won a large water supply contract for desert travel, and will change a fee starting at $10 US for 3 oz of water per 8 oz bottle, available at all desert checkpoints.” They will also sell empty 3 oz. Plastic bottles. Nestle has also announced an irrational sliding scale of fees for water, on the “more you consume, the more you pay” basis so familiar to all who use US utilities. President Obama has praised Nestle’s water supply contract as an exemplary demonstration of Private-Public Partnership at Work.
The US Government announced:
To enforce travels through the conveniently-located random desert checkpoints (for example the checkpoint between Syria and Iraq is located in Tripoli), we will use drones to enforce use of the designated checkpoints. In the case of the Syria-Iraq border, anyone found not passing through Tripoli, Libya, will be considered a member of ISIS and subject to extreme drone-based sanctions.
NAICOTW believes that this well-proven approach, coupled with a new no-fly based list, called the no-pass list, will provide the basis for degrading and finally eliminating ISIS.
The funders of ISIS will be sanctioned by NAICOTW, using the always effective Sternly Worded Letter, and placing more sanctions on Russia, because of the extensive support Russia has provided for Muslim extremists, as exemplified in Chechnya.
Members of the Republican Party state the measures taken by the Obama administration will be ineffective, and propose instead placing a new sheet of glass over the Middle East deserts. Senator McCain and Newt Gingrich, the well-known supporters of marriages, state the sheet of glass will be so slippery that it will prevent ISIS from traveling. When asked about ISIS’ use of hammers on the glass sheet, they responded:
Anyone surviving the Nuclear-based glass manufacturing process is welcome to try. We can always provide a new layer of Glass on demand, 7 x 24.
In a new anonymous statement, it is reported the Obama administration is funding dolphin extremists off the coast of China to take advantage of the retreat from the sea caused by global warming. The Dolphin extremists will be encouraged to take control of key Chinese assets which will become 50 ft under water as a result of the US’ strategic plan to encourage China’s coal use, which is expected to contribute to the cataclysmic destruction of their country, so eliminating any threat from 1 billion hard-working Chinese. The Pentagon issued a statement asserting:
You have to wage war with the weapons you have, not the weapons you want, and Global Warming driven by our huge hydrocarbon consumption is the only effective force multiplier we have.
Picture from Steve Jurvetson licensed under Creative Commons