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Mike Tyson – Modern Intellectual




I’ve spent two days in the dentist’s office recently. A tooth of mine had defected from my employment, making its demands known through the most outrageous protest and misconduct. Anyone who knows anything about the dentist’s office is well aware of the dangers of the chair. That time spent waiting patiently as a patient, listening to high fidelity corporate pop music, emanating from overhead faux ceiling tiles, reading magazines better suited to the torturing of inmates at Guantanamo.

I have been oh so fortunate, in many ways. Poverty and homelessness had stripped television and media from my life, for over five years. So as I glanced through the People Magazine, about the only face I could recognize was of Hillary Clinton. I knew enough about the smiling murderous Hillary already, so I paused only momentarily to look carefully at the posed and airbrushed photos, casually reading the captions. It seems that she loves her daughter and loves her husband. Of course, she loves watching TV, but she feels restless being out of public office and yearns for more… what a shock. The rest of the pages were filled with images of country music singers Chip Cornflake or Hoss Overdrive, good ole boys, who looked more at home as New York runway fashion models, than roustabouts, rednecks or singing cowboys.

The female singers were there too, Shirley Goodhead and Eileen Onya. Dressed in their malfunctions disguised as wardrobes, either Hollywood Halloween or strippers on their day off. Nick O’rdented was talking about his new job as a judge on next seasons hit reality series. “American Idol’s Biggest Weenie” Winners decided by whichever contestant texts the most often or buys the most of the sponsor’s products; winners are eligible to receive a host of fantastic prizes. An $80 Chinese guitar, autographed by that fabulous, rising, young singing star Lick Spittle, valued at over $10,000! A complete size one, fashion make over by the noted Nashville designer Anna Reckzic from her “Trailer Park Floozies” collection.

On the next page, there was an advertisement for a prescription drug to combat hot flashes. What first drew my attention was at the top of the page, where they’d spelled out the name of the product phonetically. Afraid, you’d get it wrong and your physician might prescribe a competitor’s product. “De-eath-nell” According to the advertisement, was a great medical leap forward for the feminine gender. I understand how troublesome hot flashes can be and De-eath-nell promised prompt relief with only a few pesky and rare, side-effects. Such as liver disease, stroke, dementia, heart attack, kidney failure or cancer, don’t take De-eath-nell if you’re pregnant they advised. No, that deserves a call to the New England Journal of Medicine.

I’d seen enough of People Magazine and returned the dog-eared copy to the dog-eared pile, finding something a little more in tune with my testosterone fueled machismo. Road and Track Magazine had a lead article featuring, a side by side comparison of the new Bentley versus the new Rolls Royce. Now, for a man using rent money to pay for a tooth extraction, this was important and useful information. In 2012, Bentley sold 7,000 automobiles world-wide and Rolls Royce sold 3,575 which meant, if Road and Track has a circulation of 1,000,000 readers as many as 94 of them, might be in the market for a new Rolls or Bentley.

The new F-150 pick up truck from Ford, will have an aluminum body saving over 700 pounds in weight, allowing the truck to be more fuel efficient and to carry a larger payload. If you have to ask… you can’t afford it and yes, there will be about a ten percent premium increase in your insurance rates allowed under the beer can provision of your auto insurance, which reads as follows: “Ain’t nobody ever figured out how to un-dent a beer can. That’s why you throw them away!”

There was an interview with rising, hot young country sensation Lick Spittle, talking about the new Dodge Ram pick up, featured in his hit country music video, “You Just Can’t Beat a Good Woman, cause the cops will put you in jail.” Of course, the truck featured the Early Cuyler Hemi package with a super hedrodyonator super-charger, eco-blast terminator innocufier, with a towing package and matching Bass boat. Lick bemoaned the loss of God in public schools, traditional values and a simpler way of life. He spoke at length of how his high-profile wedding to pop diva, Alloverya, had affected his marriage. Promising he’d had no advance knowledge that Alloverya’s wedding dress, would be made entirely of De-con roach motels.

Buried at the bottom of the magazine pile, I found an old copy of Rolling Stone with all the bad words cut out. Can’t be too careful, someone might get offended. After all, this was the Rolling Stone Magazine of Hunter S. Thompson fame! The lead story was all about Zombies! Zombies on TV and Zombies in movies, but all I could think of was the total Zombie invasion of the magazine industry. I threw the Rolling Stone back on the pile and reached for a copy of Time Magazine.

Now I know; you don’t have to tell me what a right-wing rag Time Magazine is. I knew that going in, but who could expect it, there it was, right there in print. A news story by former heavy-weight boxing champion, ear biter and well-known intellectual, Mike Tyson as told to but written by, somebody else. Now, I’m not saying Mike’s a bad guy, but if Mike got hired by a nuclear lab and I lived in the neighborhood… I think I’d sell my house.

Then the nurse called my name, I was being reprieved! The inanity and superficiality, the bullshit and malarkey was at an end. The governor had heard my appeal, no more magazines, I could move on to something more pleasurable, like having a tooth pulled. Never let it be called the death of journalism, because it is clearly a suicide.

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David Cox

David Cox