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Obama Announces New War Plan for Iraq

A bloody, helmeted zombie soldier

“Does the mess hall serve brains?”

Today, the White House has announced a new war plan for Iraq, with a new Secretary of Defense, a new commanding General, and the clear identification of the leader of ISIS (or ISIL), in Northern Iraq.

Obama announced:

We have completed the development of a new rejuvenation technique, where was can now raise Defense Engagement Assets on Demand, also known as The DEAD. These recently resurrected will form a new Army, the 666th Zombie Group, which will be focused on the Middle East.

With this new capability, none of our precious youth need be risked in actual battle. We can use them to fly drones from the safety of their US Bases, and the actual boots on the Ground will be the living dead.

With this new approach, we have eliminated the costs of Medical Evacuations, Medics in the Field, all the medical facilities of the VA, and eliminating active service pay to Zombie troops because they can eat what they kill, so saving billions of tax dollars. And if Zombies get wounded in battle, we don’t have to pay them a pension. Resurrecting old warriors is economical to a fault.

In a response the Singer of the House of Representatives, Cantor Eric, chanted in plainsong:

We believe the poor minorities, not the DEAD,
Should be in active service for our nation,
Their deaths dignify us all to a very great extent
And provide a distraction for the people,
While we ignore them and do what we want.


We republicans will not fund any army
Which does not save money by reducing the poor
Kill them on the beaches; kill them on the streets,
Kill them at home, kill them in wars,
Verily, the VA Medical facilities must endure.
They are in honor of other people’s children being shot,
in schools, or in battle, will kill them young.


Zombies are a false economy, and a Democratic trick.
Amen (sung to a breve, as is common in plainsong.

At which point Cantor Eric lost his primary battle, to a non-singing (or nonsensical) gentile.

He will be missed, but not by much. He may have been consistently wrong while being (R)ight, but he had a great singing voice, following the footsteps of Oliver Twist (Can I have more please?).

A Department of Defense Spokesperson followed Obama’s announcement with the new senior positions to be filled by Zombies:

We have resurrected Robert MacNamara, to reprise his effective leadership in the Vietnam War, as Secretary of defense, and the talented and skilled General Westmoreland, as the commander of US farces in Iraq.

We expect full and truthful reports from the Iraqi theater from this experienced set of Zombies, because they surely would not want to repeat the mistakes they made in Vietnam.

These resurrected prodigies should give America confidence that we will be successful in managing the ISIL-ly mess in Iraq, because, they demonstrated in the Vietnam War all the managerial qualities required to set a US Political and Military high water mark for success.

In other news, Al-Jazzeria has announced a Muslim version of Zombie leadership, where the dead are raised after the ritual sacrifice of 88 virgins. One report indicated that this resurrection might be delayed because no Virgins could be found in Europe or Africa, and that Virgins might have to be imported from South America. The report indicated that it was clearly the influence of the Catholic Church in South America which had created a gender-based imbalance which produces a surplus of virgins (Priests prefer boys).

The new resurrected Northern Iraq Leader is Al Ho Bin Chi of the house of Minh. Ho is an experienced psychopath, who led many to their deaths in a futile attempt to defeat the US at war in southeast Asia. In a different battle, Ho’s Asian neighbor to the North, which supported Ho in his fights, continued the battle – winning by converting from Communism, whose credo is “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs”, to Red Capitalism, where the credo is “I’ve got mine, get back to work you peasant.”

The US is still reeling from Ho’s neighbor’s victory, whose trade system is built upon the credo “Our peasants are cheaper than you peasants”. We wonder if the resurrection process can work on entire nations.

In other news, the US fashion industry has started production of bell bottom pants, and bright, tie-dyed shirts, but attempts to produce a Zombie Elvis have failed because he was already dead when he died.

Photo by Mike Juvrud released under a Creative Commons license.

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