US Suspects Balkan Floods Caused by Al Qaeda
Satire in response to the devastating floods in the Balkans, where they’ve received 3 months’ rain in 3 days (making California and most of the Western US Jealous), the US Government is on the alert for the perpetrators.
They’re not looking at the Koch brothers (and other climate change deniers), oh no, they are completely innocent and this was no “extreme weather” event. It’s much more sinister.
The NSA has intercepted messages from Al Qaeda of the Balkans — they are stubborn Christian ones, who resisted conversion by the sword for 600 years — because all the wishy-washy Christians have a new label – Followers of Islam. The NSA evidence of malfeasance is beyond credible, and also contains a funding request to eavesdrop on the formation of rain clouds for terrorist activity, given their devastating effect.
When asked to comment Hydrogen Bond, the known ringleader, was unavailable. With clear evidentiary traces of his activities in the atmosphere, rain, and lots of it, the CIA is searching for his home in all possible locations and expects to render him, and place him on ice (or turn him into an absolute zero) as soon as possible.
The Department of Defense is looking for the source of the water raid with drones, and is searching the mountain diligently for 5 or 6 million water tankers, ready to immolate them on the spot. If they are unsuccessful at finding these water tankers, than they will focus on wedding parties, especially ones where beer is served and the water is all downstream of the latrines at these mountain wedding parties.
While the CIA & DoD fly their drones upstream on the lookout for the origin of the waters, the state department is searching foreign government for possible clues. The short list of possible complicit groups of people, include, the Russian Federation, Iran, The Palestinians, Chinese, and North Koreans.
The State Department States:
We believe that this attack was done in preparation for unleashing a similar ‘cloudburst’ on the US. Therefore, our CIA-trained diplomats are searching in every corner of nations who’d wish to embarrass the US with the terrorist attack. Our Special Forces, our Very Special and Totally Righteous Special Forces, as evidenced by their ability to walk on top of the Flood Water while looking for potential interviewees. They will be using a new piece of interview equipment, the new Special, Automatic, Turbine Powered, Mark 27 Ducking Stool. We’ll make them quack!
The Russians are capable of such actions, as their history is steeped in sorrow and tears, which are a likely source of the water. In addition the state department does not trust the Russians not to be converting lake areas of unpopulated Siberia into water vapor secretly, to be blown over Western Europe and thus stimulate the consumption of expensive Russian natural Gas, to reinforce US embarrassment over the way we exploited treated exploited the Ukraine.
According to secret Israeli Intelligence reports, the Palestinians and their Iranian allies have a secret water and cloud generating plant in the pits located in the Dasht-e-Kavir and Kavir-e-Lut. The Israelis state that if the US does not eliminate these dangerous weapons of mass destruction, they will take unilateral action themselves to dry them out, by launching an attack of one million Israeli hairdryers (Tip received from Adam Sandler).
The Chinese are certainly capable of such an attack. Obviously the Chinese have stolen technology from the Weapons of Mass Destruction Programs at US Defense Labs, to lift the water vapor over the Himalaya Mountains – their seizure of Tibet in 1950 shows a clear plan to use the Tibetan Plateau to house the stolen weapons of Mass Destruction, invented in the US Defense Labs in the 1960s.
The North Koreans are known to have this technology, but at this stage are only capable of pissing on South Korea in small amounts. They have neither the capability nor the energy to lift large amount of water anywhere but over the DMZ to Seoul.
The spokesperson concluded:
The hunt continues. The US will follow its tried and true crimeogenic system by elimination all possible causes of action before doing the Right Thing.
The Speaker of the House issued his own press release, in rebuttal. It said:
There go the Democrats again, blaming their own lack of foresight in not shooting down the clouds, and blaming the problem on the Right. Republicans have been planning heat (R)ays ever since (R)eagan, but the Democrats would never let us build our
toysWeapons of Mass Defensiveness. Those heat rays would have made short work of those clouds!
Oddly, he was unavailable for comment, after issuing the press release.
Photo by Ian Bancroft released under a Creative Commons license.