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NSA’s Bleeding Heart

Breaking News:

In a new leak from the NSA we have the results of the current task force assembled to deflect the blame from NSA’s Cyber unit. This task force became necessary when the Heartbleed Bug became public.


No matter which interpretation the Public puts on it, they all have a common thread: The NSA failed. They either didn’t know about the Bug (unlikely), or they did know about it (probable). If they knew about it and didn’t warn the American people, they failed to protect America from a very serious problem. If they knew about it and decided to use it for intelligence gathering, they made the wrong choice because America (and the world) was in greater danger from the unpatched programming flaw. No matter how you look at it, the NSA failed in its mandate to protect America. They recognize that they need a PR campaign to mitigate being blamed for their failure.

The following is a memo to management asking for guidance, and priority sorting of these options. It includes a management summary of the probable outcome of each PR option, none of which bear any relation to the actual facts of the issue (The NSA has actively and enthusiastically exploited the security breach):

[Redacted] (Lot’s of Secret stuff)

Classification: Absolutely, Positively, Top Secret for Eyes only, Destroy by wiping and flushing after reading.



Attached is a summary of our PR options analysis. In harmony with your orders, the task is working diligently in a secure
location far from the press, to continue to look for options is this serious matter. We are confident we can defeat this enemy, but doing so in a timely manner will require the addition of a 200% increase in resources and budget.

The Task force, Code Name: Sunshine Pump, was initiated at 08:00 on April 10 and has met continuously since then. The group of 173 NSA management is broken into four sections with goals to deny, conceal, obfuscate and evaluate, and the following is a summary of their efforts.

At this juncture, the task force has made considerable progress and the task force leaders are confident of a successful resolution of
this mission.

The Task Force unanimously concurs with the Mission of Media Consolidation, where we are making large contributions from the NSA’s secret
political fund to provide complete control of whistleblowers, especially those traitors burrowed into loyal US medial companies. With this strategy extant we could manage any such leak in the future.

The tactics suggested by this mission are currently still a work in progress, delayed due to the aforementioned shortage of human resources. However, if The General has any suggestions and input, the task force would welcome these.

The Task Force’s preliminary conclusion is to blame Venezuela, and initiate a Shock and Awe attack on the poor areas of Caracas immediately after our Fascist allies in Venezuela have moved themselves to same havens in the very affluent areas of Caracas.

JD [Redacted]

Lieutenant Colonel

———————————————————Options —————————————————

Mission Commander: Sunshine Pump


Summary of its Effectiveness

We knew nothing

Question our effectiveness and thus our budget

It was Edward Snowden

Unbelievable, embarrasses our General

It’s a secret and we cannot discuss it

Possible, but does nothing to improve our standing with the American Public

Ignore the security breach completely

Makes NSA look stupid and questions our mission focus

It was subcontracted to the Israelis and it’s their fault

Upsets AIPAC, and make management look ineffectual

It was subcontracted to GCHQ and its
their fault

Does not upset AIPAC but still makes NSA management look ineffectual

Blame the CIA

NSA could lose cyber mission to CIA, senior management could be downgraded to Brigadier (Loss of Star Power, aka: Death Spiral)

Blame the FBI

See blame the CIA.

Blame the DoD

Bad idea to blame our boss (See Star Power)

Blame Boozey, All and Humiliated (or some other contractor)

Point finger at NSA’s senior management failure to supervise contractor, and our post-retirement contractor jobs would be threatened

Blame Mid Level Management, ranks of major and below, they are expendable

Mid level management has copies of memos senior management do not want leaked.

Blame Democratic Congress People

We’re scared of Pelosi

Blame Democratic Senators

Bad idea, these represent the wealthy 1% and our post retirement jobs could be threatened

Blame Republican House Members

Bad idea, these people still carry resentment from the Civil War

Blame Republican Senators

See democratic senators. The Senate is a Club to the ruling class.

Blame the bloggers on the Left

Good idea. However their greatest weapon is logic and could make management look stupid (see post retirement career)

Blame the Blogger on the Right

See Blame Republican House Members

Blame the Press

They’d get the facts wrong, and then embarrass our management (see post retirement career limiting moves)

Blame the White House

See Sibelius for the response to WH embarrassment

Obfusticate and Spin

That’s what this analysis is about

Blame the Russians

Good idea, and politically sound. However Putin is dangerous and might respond with his greatest weapon — Logic, or a non-dollar dominated trading zone. (See career limiting move)

Blame the Chinese

Good Idea. See non-dollar trading zone for downside

Blame the Africans

They have computers?

Blame the Australians

They have brain cells, after all that beer?

Blame the French

Good idea. Recommended, they were at fault in WW I and WW II and No one cares anymore,.

Blame the Germans

Bad Idea. After we spied on Chancellor Merkel. the Germans are, for the first time ever, a bit sensitive.

Blame the Irish

This would upset our supply of terrorists for continuing the special relationship with the UK.

Special Relationship does not mean what the British believe it means, ask the IRA.

Blame the Welsh


Blame the Italians

Not credible, it would imply the Italians use logic. The Italian mafia would stop supply of drink and women to our management. See career-limiting move analysis.

Blame Catholic church

Not credible. Their PR is WAY better than ours.

Blame Organized Crime

See blame the Italians

Blame the Mexicans

Not credible.  The Mexicans have embarrassed us by jumping our fences, demonstrating that physical security is useless. If we go after them, they might raise questions about the proximal cause of their migration, NAFTA.


See blame Catholics.

Blame the Baptists

See Blame Republican House Members. Turning the other cheek is excised from the Baptist creed.

Blame African Americans

Not credible, after our campaign to marginalize they as lazy, shiftless, and stupid.

Blame Cuba

They have computers? 
Our IM service there detected no threats to the US from the three messages it processed (Kudos to the obfuscation section for hiding our efforts under the USAID budget).

Blame Venezuela

Recommended. We need a Venezuelan invasion. When can we start?

———————————————————–End —————————————————

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