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Over Easy: Rogue Group to Clean Up Crime Labs, DUID Laws

A group in far Western Kentucky calling itself ‘Nobody Talks, Everybody Walks,’ neither drinks nor uses drugs but is nonetheless fed up with Fourth Amendment violation no-suspicion vehicle stops and DUI arrests and crime lab corruption, and has a solid plan to be consistent with the Commonwealth’s goal, which is, after all, to keep everybody honest.

The group members all have the cleanest blood you could possibly imagine, and the plan is to generate guaranteed fucked up incomprehensible unreasonable profile traffic ‘DUI’ stops by having 1000 cars with out-of-state plates travel to Kentucky, from California, Oregon, Washington and Colorado, driving the set speed limits and obeying all traffic laws. When stopped invariably by the McCracken County Sheriff’s deputies, drivers will hand over license, current insurance and registration, and then politely and firmly demand on the spot chemical blood test presumptive screening and quantification of: 6000 known drugs.

Each person will carry Physicians Desk References (PDRs), because it is simpler to hand the arresting officer one of those and say, “I would like quantification, please, for everything in here. Basically what I am looking for here officer is, a yellow pages book of zeros, for jury trial. And you know, presumptive screens are unreliable.”

The current rogue group will feature an overdone, over-acted, west coast hippie theme that the deputies will be helpless facing. The ‘good old boy’ deputies will be pulling law-abiding, not-from-here hippie citizens over nonstop 24/7. These sheriffs just know that the people they are stopping are stoners, based on the license plates alone. Dreadlocks. Animal print pants, rolled up pants, and thongs. There will be a Lamborghini Veneno in silver with red trim and California tags, driving the 35 MPH speed limit up and down the back roads. Tie-die. Head bands. T-shirts, that say things ripped straight from real uniform citations to create probable cause when there isn’t any, like, “There’s nervous and then there’s nervous;” “Failed the HGN;” “watery and bloodshot;” and “nervous and fidgety.” Weed bumper stickers. Roller blades. Backpacks.

Meanwhile all cars in the program have sophisticated data systems recording speed and direction at any given time so the officers can’t tell huge ass lies about the recordings of the bogus stops in court, and the prosecutors can’t testify either, as they usually do, with bolstered B-movie commentary, leading questions and pathological lies. There is working audio visual inside the car and out, of course, and this is special: A rolling FBI crime Lab van on scene with redundant equipment, including capability to draw blood before the officer spikes your second sample. The pre-stop sample will be drawn from an indwelling central line. The after-stop sample will go to a CLIA-regulated clinical independent lab.

The group will stop state police lab analysts from coming into court and speculating about little green men on the lawn or the moon being made of green cheese, or anything beyond the scope of their expertise, especially if it involves the clinical effects of commonly prescribed drugs that they claim they have never seen before and cannot find with a goddamn map.

The Golden Era of field sobriety testing will end. No field sobriety tests whatsoever, absolutely no urine under any circumstances at all. In its stead, quantitative blood analysis for everything under the sun. The days of guilty pleas are over. There will be jury trials for everything imaginable: failing to dim headlights, driving straight with a blinking turn signal, failing to make eye contact with an officer as he passes, and driving a vehicle while seated behind the wheel. The fake juror group that consisted of friends of the Commonwealth, friends of the sheriff and friends of the public defender will need to find work elsewhere. There will be continuances to get the chain of evidence, the bench notes, ISO-9000 compliance quality assurance documents, official court reporter transcripts, official recordings, laboratory equipment calibration papers and proof of education documents.

The current group of DFHs (dirty fucking hippies) heading out to Kentucky to obey the law and get pulled over for no reasonable suspicion DUI includes a group of Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL/NASA) workers with PhDs in Physics from Caltech who designed their own badass interior trunk of their state-of-the-art car to basically rove McCracken County like that thing on Mars. The project director says, “They’ll cull all the data from the 911 tower and every cop car in the county and every nonworking body mike and dash-cam video recorder before you can say lose the exculpatory evidence.”

“We have a rogue group of doctors who are volunteering to go to Kentucky to obey the law, and testify as actual experts, and they have all agreed to allow the Commonwealth to put its complete hack state crime lab analyst on the stand to lie freely about crime lab testing and reporting, and pose as a clinical ‘expert’ in ‘drug effects.’ Then, it will be sharks at a frenzy including, in no particular order, published actual experts in pharmacology/critical care/toxicology from UCSF, USC Keck/USC University, UCLA, and U of WA, all of whom have been working with things like liquid-liquid extraction and GC/MS since Jesus was a baby.”

“This will be excruciating for the Commonwealth, of course,” explains the director. “Too bad. They want more testing, by God us citizens are here and ready to comply. But there’s one condition. In fact, there are two. You want more testing? We get quantification on everything ever invented, from a reputable lab. Most sensitive limits of detection available. The Commonwealth will not get 50 bites of the apple, they will have to do 6000 tests up front. We will not play reindeer games with lawyer later-on fill-in-the-blank suborned perjury and science fiction.”

“These guys suck balls,” a former sheriff deputy named Mark from another town said of the program in his town. “Our evidence unit used to be an open-air pharmacy as well as a pawn shop. Now it’s viral and live streaming on YouTube.”

“It’s one thing when they abide by the law, but they are so sadistic in making us abide by the law, the place has become unlivable,” said another former deputy. “We set up surveillance on one guy. Next thing we knew there was a live stream on every big screen TV for sale in every Walmart in town, of one of our deputies snorting coke off a stripper’s tits on his day off. A bunch of my buddies are afraid to leave their house.”

“We anticipate a bogus profile stop at least every 15 minutes around the clock in McCracken County; they’ll be on their knees looking for cannabis in the hippie blood,” says the director. “And we know they really really want to work very hard to find evidence to prove guilt. We think our program will help them.”


What Constitutes a Marijuana DUID Is Controversial and Varies by State

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