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NATO to Offer Membership to Russia

NATO will now span the complete Northern Hemisphere, visible from Wasilla in the West to Wasilla in the East, and thus will be free from East-West conflicts.

In a surprise move, Secretary of State John Kerry was heard to offer Russia membership of NATO in order to defuse the Ukraine situation. In an aside to the Russian Ambassador he was heard to say:

If Russia were a member of NATO then there would be no encirclement of Russia from sea to shining sea.

24 Hours later, it appears that President Putin has seized on the idea and embraced it, in a similar manner to the defusing of the Syrian saturation where John Kerry suggested that Syrians give up their poison gas stockpile.

Putin has responded positively to the suggestion to defuse tension and remove any threat by Russia to Ukraine and Western Europe over “technical difficulties” of natural gas deliveries passing through Ukraine.

A statement released by the Kremlin states:

Uninterrupted supplies of natural gas to the Ukraine in exchange for grain, and to Germany in exchange for Mercedes Benz, Porsche and BMW products for the average oligarch is in all our interests.

A German Government spokesperson asserts Putin’s world view is now aligned with Germany’s, and there was never any possibility the Putin’s world view differed (or that Putin was living on another planet,) from Germany, and its debtor colonies in the EU.

NATO will now span the complete Northern Hemisphere, visible from Wasilla in the West to Wasilla in the East, and thus will be free from East-West conflicts. This enables NATO to pivot to the south from its pivot to the west, following its pivot to the east, after navel gazing since extirpating the Native Americans.

A clarifying statement from the White House said:

We cannot focus on Terrorism from the south without qualification, because in the Americas we have a large, peaceful Catholic population. When we initially suggested to our allies that bringing Russia into NATO would let us focus on southern terrorism, Republicans, Italy and Spain were upset, and reminded us that Southerners are not terrorists. When we hesitated to agree, the US Conference of Bishops and the KKK visited us and convinced us the Bishops are no threat to the United States, only to the faithful, and the KKK convinced us they are only a threat to Suspected Muslim African Americans.

Some have suggested we should include Greece, but that is a slippery situation which is best avoided at this time.

In a related move the US is announcing a large increase in the CIA, NSA and DoD budgets, to root out Muslim terrorism in the southern part of the Americas. A statement from the Pentagon justifies this increase by saying:

We are trying to prove a negative, and we know proving the impossible requires a large and sustained effort, with many years of effort required before we succeed. We have suggested the way to measure our success might be that our work significantly reduces the number of terrorist attacks on the US by South American Muslims. This measuring scheme has performed well for the DHS for years, and we expect to equal or exceed their success.

Photo by the US Govt, public domain

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