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Most People Didn’t Get the Chance to Read Putin’s Letter to His Own People

Dear Zee Roooshahn proletariat, er, people

You are not so special, oh vhat vhat? You wants to be “exceptional” like zee phony fake Amerikanskis? You are not so special. Don’t go getting any fancy ideas about the microwave ovens and zee electric toasters and the great Freedom of the press big fancy New York Times, with all their sexy bikini clad summer zee beer commercials and their Amerikan football. This New York Times, she is not so great. They let me write in it.

Really, they did. But it is not such the big deal. They in their free society are making such the big deal about it, trending on the twitter. But it is not really such the big deal. I’ve surpassed the Miley Cyrus and the twerking trend even. Is true. Who else are you going to trust?

Dah. Soon they will be watching the shirtless Vlad love songs on the MTV. Vlad does Elvis and so on. But I digress. You don’t have it so bad here. OK, so fine, we have the cold winters in the Moscou, we have the mafia losing the money in the Cyprus. But we have progress. We have two, not one but two Chechen Muslims playing for Tomsk. In Israel! Whoa baby! I’m talking changes! Ohh changes, you’ve got to the re-arrange! Whoa slow down Vladdy. So yes, they have their fancy big diamond super bowl rings, their fancy football cheerleaders, their big budget Hollywood 3D movies.

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