Apologizing for “intimidating conduct,” embattled San Diego Mayor Bob Filner (D) on Friday said he plans to enter a “behavior counseling clinic” for two weeks of therapy beginning Aug. 5. But he vowed to remain in office, even as he faced a flurry of calls to step aside from top Democrats, amid allegations he sexually harassed multiple women.
Filner said he plans to “undergo two weeks of intensive therapy to begin the process of addressing my behavior.” He said the treatment will be “the first step” in a longer process “that will involve ongoing regular counseling.”

“I must become a better person,” Filner said.

Monday Aug 5, 2013 Day One

My name is Bobby F. and I am a serial  groper of women.

I am here at Camp Morningwood high in the hills above San Diego by my own choice so that I might become a better person. Recently it was brought to my attention that I have acted “inappropriately” in both social settings as well as in private with women with whom I have come in contact with on a daily basis or while conducting official government business. According to those who have witnessed my actions or have been on the receiving end, I have acted poorly and therefore have been described as a “walking hard-on”, a “clammy-handed sex lamprey”, “that thing in the Alien movie that shoved its proboscis-thing down that guys throat to implant an egg”, and as a “total dick”. Also, “Headlock McGropeyface” …  although I’m not sure what that one means. Needless to say it would seem that I have my work cut out for me as I work with the Camp Morningwood counselors and my fellow campers over the next two weeks to modify my behavior so that I can once again walk amongst my fellow (female) citizens without grabbing their asses or licking my lips in a lascivious manner at the slightest glance. God grant me strength.

Tuesday, Aug. 6 – Day Two

Today we awoke to A New Day of Clear Hearts and Clean Minds. For some it began later than for others as a few of my fellow campers were caught in their bunks masturbating to a light breeze that wafted into our cabin from across the lake. After a brief yet intense communal shaming ritual we had breakfast and then met in the Sharing Lodge where we each spoke in turn about our “difficulties with women” and sexual histories. I was disappointed by one camper who described a sexual encounter he claimed he once had as a freshman at a “small midwestern university”, recognizing it as “Lesbian Gymnast All-Nighter” from the Sept. 1977 Penthouse Forum (page 87, contd. page 188) of which I have but a passing recollection. Our group facilitator, Dr. Phylicia Warburton, seemed to not recognize the obvious act of plagiarism, but in a gesture of solidarity with my fellow camper (or as the medical literature describes us: “uncontrollable cockmonsters”), I did not call attention to his theft which would have only brought him more shame.

As it is Tuesday, dinner this evening was tacos (Taco Tuesday!) which led to an unfortunate incident where several campers ate their tacos in an “inappropriate manner”. Despite their protestations that their aberrant taco gobbling was a “cultural thing”, they were sent to bed early without their rice pudding cups. There but for the grace of God, go I.

Wednesday, Aug. 7 – Day Three

Today we went for a nature hike because “clean air cleans out the mind”.  Once again several campers were discovered fondling themselves in their bunks at reveille and our foray into the great wide open was delayed as each “self-violater” was fitted with a remote-controlled shocking genital cuff (Boner-B-Gone™). The hike was invigorating and fairly uneventful if one discounts the disruptions to our bird watching endeavors as some of the birds were scared away by the shrieks of the cuffed campers who espied beckoning knotholes in some of the trees which had not been properly filled in by camp maintenance. Dinner was pizza (slices cut into squares for obvious reasons) and Hostess Snowballs which were probably a mistake. Six more more campers are slated for “cuffing” in the morning.

Thursday, Aug. 8 – Day Four

We met again in the Sharing Lodge where Dr. Warburton explained to us that women are not merely disposable sex toys composed of firm breasts topped with pert nipples, long lean legs that go on forever, and “an ass that a guy could could get lost in”.  She explained that women were human beings worthy of respect and honor and dignity and some other stuff that I wasn’t really paying attention to because I was thinking about the breasts and the nipples and the legs and then when Dr. Warnburton called me out for not paying attention I felt ashamed. This is progress! Feeling that I had to make it up to her after the session, I complimented her on having a pretty nice ass for a seventy year-old woman.

With my mind occupied with the thought of my scheduled genital cuffing tomorrow morning at 7AM I was not able to fully appreciate this evenings Enchilada Frito Pie dinner.

Friday, Aug. 9 – Day Five

Today was spent on the lake canoeing, with special attention paid to not falling out of the canoes since there have been some “grounding issues” with the cuffs as of late. Friday night is Camp Movie Night and we were treated to a Sarah Jessica Parker/Renée Zellweger film festival. Outside of running out of Mr. Pibb, the evening was fairly uneventful as not one cuff required activation.

Saturday, Aug. 10 – Day Six

Today was free activity day, but each camper was allowed 15 minutes of supervised time on the camp computer to write an email to his loved ones in order to update them on our progress. I decided to write to my friend and former co-worker Anthony W. and request that he send news from the outside world. I hope that he sends pictures too.  Dinner was tuna casserole.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Sunday, Aug. 11 – Day Seven

Today was Prayer Day and a local minister visited and urged us to give our wicked hearts over to Jesus. This was obviously lost on me (LOL!), however I liked the story about the prostitute in Luke 7:36-50. That was hot.

Monday, Aug. 12 – Day Eight

Group sharing time in the morning, lunch, then we sat at craft tables and spent the rest of day making wallets. Mine looks like a vagina. Ended up being awake all night as I rented it out to fellow campers, accumulating seven cartons of Marlboros, three bottles of Grey Goose, and a Rolex. Dinner was fish-sticks and tater tots.

Tuesday, Aug. 13 – Day Nine

Taco Tuesday again. What the hell is wrong with the people who run this camp? Why do they torment us so? Chaos, tables overturned and set on fire, rubber bullets, three campers taken away by ambulance: I don’t think any of them were breathing. We are currently in lockdown. Too bad, I was really looking forward to Fudgsicles.

Wednesday, Aug. 14 – Day Ten

We were let out of lockdown for individual counseling. I met with Dr. Warburton and immediately got an erection. When she gave me a 12,000 volt shock and I didn’t even flinch I saw raw fear in her eyes. Hustled back to the cabin by camp security, I found two of my fellow campers in a knife fight with make-shift shivs over Wanda the Wallet. The room smelled of desperation, blood, and shit.  No dinner was served, so we feasted upon the still-warm flesh of the one Wanda won’t be marrying.

Considering a vagina wallet Kickstarter upon my release.

Thursday, Aug. 15 – Day Eleven

Was allowed to use the camp computer and receive the email reply my friend Anthony W. sent to me.  Did not care one bit for the picture he sent me. Not at all. Dinner was franks and beans. Pass.

Friday, Aug. 16 – Day Twelve

Release day! After negotiating a nondisclosure agreement with attorneys representing the camp guaranteeing that “what happened at camp, stays at camp”, we were all declared “cured”. I am looking forward to returning to my old job as a changed man with a healthy respect for women, to say nothing of a complete understanding of the sexual and physical boundaries that should never be breached. I am a better man now, and to prove it, I will proudly admit that Wanda the Wallet snuggled up to me this evening and was unable to tempt me with promises of unlimited sexual favors in return for a spot in my administration. I turned her down.

Whore.

(Canoe picture by Flickr user Martin Cathrae via Creative Commons license)