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Geraldo Rivera Will Not Splatter His Man Juice on Jersey


Much to the dismay of bloggers, late night comedians, and LOTR fanboys,  battered knight errant and Fox orc Geraldo Rivera is keeping his sword sheathed and will not fight for the honor of the faire and delicate hande of New Jerseye:

There is a scene in The Lord of the Rings where my favorite character, the aging, battle-weary Théoden, King of Rohan is confronted with a profound dilemma. Determined to honor his ancient oath and ride to the rescue of his ally the besieged nation of Gondor, he is told that his forces are insufficient to defeat the enemy, evil Mordor.

“No. We can not. But we will meet them in battle nonetheless,” Théoden answers grimly, doomed by honor and destiny to perish in what seems a lost cause. And he dies, but because of his sacrifice the good guys ultimately win

A SPOILER ALERT would have been nice, you dick. Peter Jackson hates you.

Sorry, please proceed:

Improbably that scene came to mind just now as I wrestled with whether to seek the Republican nomination for the Senate seat from New Jersey left vacant by the death of 89-year old, five-term incumbent Frank Lautenberg. Before the mocking birds flutter, let me explain. In New Jersey, registered Democrats outnumber Republicans by over 700,000 votes, and no Republican has been elected senator since Clifford Case in 1972. Important Republicans have spent millions trying, including former congressman Dick Zimmer, state senators Tom Kean Jr. and Joe Kryllos and Heisman Trophy winning Army general Pete Dawkins. Further, likely Democratic candidate Newark mayor Corey Booker is popular, flush with cash and buoyed by Hollywood, Silicon Valley and an adoring press. The electoral clash therefore will be as one-sided as Théoden faced when leading his riders against Mordor.

You’re breaking up with us aren’t you? This totally sounds like a break-up speech. My girlfriends said this would happen, I should have listened to them although I thought they were just being jealous bitches, particularly Ashley, that little slut. Is it us? Did we do something wrong. What? Tell us, we’ll do better, we promise:

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....