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Late Night: Food, Glorious Food!


New science is showing that, oh, about 3.5 million years ago early human species like Australopithecus afarensis and Kenyanthropus platyops became more adventurous eaters, switching from a diet of leaves and fruits from trees, shrubs, and herbs to a more varied selection featuring grasses, sedges and succulent plants — or on animals that ate those plants. Zeresenay Alemseged, senior curator and chair of anthropology at the California Academy of Sciences, explains:

What we have is chemical information on what our ancestors ate, which in simpler terms is like a piece of food item stuck between their teeth and preserved for millions of years.

In an earlier paper, Alemseged and his team discussed finding tools for meat consumption dating back 3.4 million years ago.

So heck, what will future anthropologists think when they find discarded plastic buckets of dehydrated carrot powder, freeze dried strawberries, and “Salba” ? ( Salba chia is “the trademark name (brand) for the registered varieties of Salvia Hispanic L. – Sahi Alba 911 and Sahi Alba 912 – the only two registered varieties in the world”). A good guess might be that these people were crazy.  And they may well be–because, as Newsvandal.com reports, these are what the faithful followers of Jim Bakker get if they send a “love offering” to the newlywed Jim Bakker, who has, you know, done his time and repented. [cont’d.]

 

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Late Night: Food, Glorious Food!


New science is showing that, oh, about 3.5 million years ago early human species like Australopithecus afarensis and Kenyanthropus platyops became more adventurous eaters, switching from a diet of leaves and fruits from trees, shrubs, and herbs to a more varied selection featuring grasses, sedges and succulent plants — or on animals that ate those plants. Zeresenay Alemseged, senior curator and chair of anthropology at the California Academy of Sciences, explains:

What we have is chemical information on what our ancestors ate, which in simpler terms is like a piece of food item stuck between their teeth and preserved for millions of years.

In an earlier paper, Alemseged and his team discussed finding tools for meat consumption dating back 3.4 million years ago.

So heck, what will future anthropologists think when they find discarded plastic buckets of dehydrated carrot powder, freeze dried strawberries, and “Salba” ? ( Salba chia is “the trademark name (brand) for the registered varieties of Salvia Hispanic L. – Sahi Alba 911 and Sahi Alba 912 – the only two registered varieties in the world”). A good guess might be that these people were crazy.  And they may well be–because, as Newsvandal.com reports, these are what the faithful followers of Jim Bakker get if they send a “love offering” to the newlywed Jim Bakker, who has, you know, done his time and repented.

So, emulating the classic Christian motif, Jim has done his time and he’s risen again to take to the airwaves. Now re-married to another bubbly-blonde co-host, he’s once-again spreading the word of God.

Well, he’s willing to spread the word of God, if you are willing to spread his “favorite” soy-nut butter.

That’s just one of the hard bargains Jim’s driving in his new incarnation as survivalist food pitchman. In fact, Jim’s got a whole catalog of foodstuffs that he is willing to “give” you as a “thank you” in return for your “love gift” to his “ministry.”

Forget those bland, chintzy wafers the Catholics are handing out. The menu for your “gift” of “love” can be quite tasty. And remunerative.

Jesus turned water into wine for free, but Jim is turning it into carrot juice for $35.00.

Forget loaves and fishes. How about chips and salsa? It only “costs” $65.00 to feed the multitudes (at your next Super Bowl party).

Yes, miracles are hard to come by, but your “act of love” will bring back a sampler box of Jim’s favorite miracle food—“Salba”—for a mere $100.00…

Now, this proposition may seem decidedly outside the generally-accepted practice of “religion” and, more directly, in violation of the highly profitable tax exemption afforded to various practitioners of the “spiritual arts” here in the good ol’ US of A. But fret not, oh ye of little faith—there is a “religious” connection to this de facto supermarket Jim’s running via a website and daily television show. You see, all this food is meant to prepare you for the days of woe foretold in the Book of Revelations.

This is not a simple matter of exchanging your “love” for “thank you” gifts.

No, Jim’s food is designed to prepare you for the End of the World as we know it. But you and your family will feel fine. Or, at the very least, you will face the coming of the Antichrist on a full stomach.

 

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Lisa Derrick

Lisa Derrick

Los Angeles native, attended UC Berkeley and Loyola Marymount University before punk rock and logophilia overtook her life. Worked as nightclub columnist, pop culture journalist and was a Hollywood housewife before writing for and editing Sacred History Magazine. Then she discovered the thrill of politics. She also appears frequently on the Dave Fanning Show, one of Ireland's most popular radio broadcasts.