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Late Night: I Have An Active Heterosexual Lifestyle, Right?

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For God’s sake, if you mean “fucking,” just say “fucking:”

University of Portland is a Catholic institution that allowed students to form an official Gay-Straight Partnership in 2008, but not everyone was happy with the decision. As conservative site LifeNews wrote at the time:

Although the Gay Straight Partnership has made pains to state that it will be adhering to Catholic teaching on sexuality, experience has shown pro-family advocates that such alliances typically result in the push to normalize and to affirm as morally acceptable an active homosexual lifestyle amongst university students.

That’s exactly what the students campaigning today want: A campus where all students feel safe and supported, regardless of their sexuality.

Which, naturally, is interpreted as “everyone must have gay sex all the time.” An “active homosexual lifestyle?” I guess that means anything other than pretending to be aggro-straight while secretly spanking it to nude photos of Lorne Greene? I don’t know what it means.

Being actively heterosexual seems to mean arguing with Mr. A about whose turn it is to clean the litterbox and do the laundry. Is that what Catholic universities are so scared of? Homosexuals taking turns cooking dinner for each other?

This idiocy comes amid a great story about how the kids are all right, even if the administrators at Catholic universities have their heads firmly up their asses:

University of Portland President Bill Beauchamp told the student newspaper that the school had already made a gesture toward LGBT students and faculty by adopting a “statement of inclusion” in 2011 which committed the school to not discriminate based on sexual orientation. But, he said, if the school adds sexual orientation to its official non-discrimination policy, it could mean the university condones sexual practices not accepted by the Catholic Church.

Yes. You are either in favor of discrimination, or boy-on-boy rimjobs on the altar during Easter Mass. There is NO MIDDLE GROUND. If you de-legalize harrassment and bullying, make it grounds for firing someone, it will be nothing but same-sex handies from here to the football field. Because gay kids were waiting for this before they got it on. God, I hope not. Life is short, kids. Be safe, but Jesus, life is short. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

What Catholic universities are really afraid of is putting anything in writing that could allow the Holy See to bring the hammer down on their asses for being insufficiently theologically obtuse. Which, if they’d just say that, instead of this mealy-mouthed nonsense about approving of something called an active lifestyle, I think we could all get on the same page and direct our attention where it needs to be, on the collection of fusty old fossils in Rome who want a leave-it-to-Beaver trip back to the 1550s while Kids Today would just as soon get on with their lives.

I’m sorry, their “lifestyles.”


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Allison Hantschel

Allison Hantschel

Allison Hantschel is a 10-year veteran of the newspaper business. She publishes First Draft, a writing and politics blog, with her partners Holden, Jude and Scout. She is the author of the books Chicago's Historic Irish Pubs (2011, Arcadia Publishing, with Mike Danahey) and It Doesn’t End With Us: The Story of the Daily Cardinal, about a great liberal journalism institution (2007, Heritage Books). She also edited the anthology “Special Plans: The Blogs on Douglas Feith and the Faulty Intelligence That Led to War” (2005, William, James & Co.) Her work has appeared in the Chicago Sun-Times, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, the Daily Southtown, Sirens Magazine, and Alternet. She lives in Chicago with her husband, two ferrets, and approximately 60 tons of books.