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The Pope Smokes Jokes

The Pope Smokes Jokes — by NormanB (“Deviations from the Norm”)


In this YouTube video, Donovan sings Poke at the Pope.



(First, a quick apology to all my Catholic friends, neighbors, and very close familyesque relations, and to the wider Catholic world: I am a jokester and here I go joking. I am sorry; and I apologize for the frequently bigoted behavior of non-Catholics. Here in this country, it has long been considered “politically incorrect” to ridicule any religion except Catholicism. [Islam joined that unfortunate listing somewhere along the timeline.] In Photojournalism Class in J School* back in the 1970s, the professor said if we couldn’t think of anything to photograph, we could always shoot “kids, dogs, chimps, and nuns,” because, no matter what they do, they look funny, cute, or interesting. People ridicule the Catholic religious practices and conventions. I am very sorry that happens. It is extremely unfair.)

* Journalism School


Two weeks ago, John Brennan – the CIA Nazi who helps President Obama Murder children and suppress the Left – reported to the President’s office:

“Mr. President, I’ve done exactly as you instructed: We at the CIA have Tortured “witnesses” into implicating the Kangaroo Court defendants in your Guantanamo Show Trials starting next month; we’ve had our cowards kill thousands of children with Coward Drones, claiming that they were in the way; we’ve rigged Elections, overthrown Elected Governments, and Assassinated journalists, candidates, and activists; but now comes the sequester: Automatic spending cuts (and the billions of dollars we’ve got in petty cash are slated for something else). These cuts are about to kick in. As a result, we can no longer afford to pay our highest paid agent. As of March 1, we’ll have to lay off the Pope.”


When Pope John Paul I died in 1978, he had only been Pope for 33 days. Up in Heaven, it’d only been seven weeks since the last giant party; the Papal reception party hall had hardly even cooled off from Pope Paul’s shindig; so God decided to put JP1 in suspended animation, or cold storage(?) [I’m not sure what they call it up there]: He put off John Paul’s reception, and John Paul’s Resurrection, until the locals were ready for another big bash. The occasion arose just seven years later, when activist attorney William Kunstler passed away. God got out JP1 and reconstituted him right there in front of the Pearly Gates, standing beside William Kunstler. St. Peter greeted them “Have we got a party for you!”

He led them into the Papal reception hall, and what a hoot it was! Pope John Paul was the guest of honor. As they walked in, St. Peter saw some of his old hang-out buddies “Hi, Matt, Mark; what’s up?” St. Mark piped up cheerfully “Hey, Pete, how ya hangin’?” St. Peter immediately lost his smile. Mark apologetically stifled his chuckle: “Oh, sorry. Too soon?” Well, Peter cheered up and partying burst out. When it finally wound down, hours later, St. Peter rejoined the two new arrivals, saying “Now I’ll show you two to your new homes.”

They started walking down the main road, paved with gold – I don’t know if it were yellow bricks or not. First they came to John Paul’s new place. It was kind of a monk’s cell, very austere. One window. What you might call an efficiency apartment. “Welcome home!” St. Peter said, shaking his hand with enthusiasm. “This is pretty cool,” said the Pope. “Hey, do you mind if I keep hanging out with you and Bill?” “No” said Peter, “come on along.”

As they continued down the main path, they saw bigger and bigger buildings, practically castles: This must have been the section that they’d heard about in the Bible, the one with “many mansions.” They turned down a long walkway-driveway, also paved in gold. It led to a magnificent mansion, majestic fountains out front, with live (or reincarnated?) swans swimming peacefully in the waters. When Peter showed them into the 40-room mansion, servants offered them all manner of refreshments and comforts. St. Peter shook the attorney’s hand and announced “William Kunstler, welcome to your new home!”

Kunstler said “Thanks” and the two Popes – the first one and the last one – took their walk away from the mansion together. Then, John Paul said to Peter “Now, I’m not complaining or anything … but how come I just got a little cell, and he’s got a giant castle with constant celebration?” “Well,” said St. Peter, “you’ve got to understand: There are lots of Popes around here; Mr. Kunstler is our first lawyer!”


The Pope Smokes Dope was a 1972 album by Yippie activist writer and entertainer David Peel and his group The Lower East Side, who performed with John and Yoko Ono Lennon. It criticized the CIA, and it was banned in all countries except the United States and Canada, says Wiki.  and    The Pope of Greenwich Village was a movie.   The Pope’s nose.


The last of the Beatle Popes? Most people don’t realize this, but ever since the Beatles came onto the scene, ALL of the Popes have been named after the Beatles. The Beatles under that name started in 1960, but even in 1958 when they were the Quarrymen, they apparently had fans in the Vatican:

In 1958, the College of Cardinals named Pope John XXIII after John Lennon. Five years later they named Pope Paul V after Paul McCartney. George and Ringo were undeniably cool, but let’s face it: Lennon and McCartney were the real core of the Beatles. (You didn’t see Queen Elizabeth knighting George or Ringo, did you?) So, in 1978, the Cardinals in Rome named two new Popes John Paul.

Everybody thought the next one after that would be Pope George, or Pope Richard, or perhaps Pope George Ringo – to cover both of them at once. And very few people realize that Pope Benedict XVI is also one of the Beatle Popes. Don’t you get it?! Before they got too famous … the Beatles performed in Germany … ! … in Germany … ! …  Now do you get it? … The Beatles … in Germany … And what did the Beatles do in Germany? (You know the answer to that one!) … Drugs! … What drugs? … Sixteen Bennies!


The obvious replacement for Pope Benedict XVI is Pope Theodorus II, the Coptic Pope. He’s only been in for four months since his election after the death of Pope Shenouda III, but face facts: He is the only Pope in the world with any experience at all.

But it’s more likely that they’ll promote from within. So, it should be one of the Nuns being suppressed by Pope Benedict, right? But they probably won’t do that either. So I nominate Father Daniel Berrigan.   And Father Jon Sobrino.

Let the election be between those two. It should be somebody like that.


The following poem consists mainly of quotes from my childhood Sunday School teacher, Mr. Elsdon, at Boulevard Bible Church in New Port Richey, Florida, in 1970. (You’re supposed to figure that out from my performance in the video, but just so that there’s no ambiguity:) The thing said about the Pope comes from him, not me.



SOMEDAY SCHOOL-Norman B-Deviations from the Norm

“I’m your Sunday School teacher, Mr. Elsdon.
I got NO affection for the Pope.
I’m spellin’ Elsdon ‘E-LSD-O-N’
I am just a big dope!”

Once, there was a man who was made out o’ saltine crackers,
Grape Kool-Ade coursin’ through his veins.
Once, there was a man who was made out o’ saltine crackers,
Grape Kool-Ade coursin’ through his veins.

Today will you dine with me?
O, Christian, no question, no cancellation!
Truly were great poets translators of the KJV!
Ooh! What a trans-l-ation!

“There is sompthin’ in Genesis
That I want you to read. See:
Some say it’s a typo,
An’ Moses in fact parted a ‘Reed Sea’

“Really, instead
Of a sea blood-red.
Why, it’s a greater miracle than I thought, indeed!
All of Pharaoh’s foot soldiers drowned in a sea of reeds!”

Go to the MD: M.D. 20-20!
Tell of a 20-20 vision!
Mad Dog (Mogen David) tastes like blood,
Gives 50-50 vision.

Grape Kool-Ade don’t taste like grapes,
Don’t taste like wine.
Tastes like grape
Tootsie (Rock’n’)Roll Pop coating:

Toot-sie Pop music!
Toot-sie Pop music!
Stale saltine!

Jesus was a man who was made out of saltine crackers,
Grape Kool-Ade coursin’ through his veins.
Jesus was a man who was made out o’ saltine crackers,
Grape Kool-Ade coursin’ through his veins.

It may sound strange;
It may sound odd;
I am into the eating
Of the god!

(p)(c)2008 Norman Schulerud Bie, Jr. All rights reserved. (p)1991 Norman B, part of “Deviations from the Norm.” First broadcast in 1989 on WMNF 88.5 FM Tampa Community Radio.

Dedicated to Ray Elsdon of Boulevard Bible Church. His quotes are in quotation marks above.


Cardinal Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI, said he was retiring for health reasons. It happened right after the scandal that ended with him pardoning his butler. Maybe the butler revealed something embarrassing. It happened after years of shocking revelations about decades of child sex abuse within the Church. He ran the Inquisition for the Roman Catholic Church. The Inquisition was a terrible idea, and already outdated and Fascistic when it began, more than 500 years ago. Ratzinger at least once attempted to sanction a Priest for child sex abuse, but was stopped by Pope John Paul II, whom everybody loved. So, under orders from his superior, Ratzinger did not do what he knew was right.

He’s been called the “Nazi Pope,” because he belonged to Hitler Youth. He was drafted into it at the age of 14. He had no choice in that. Like Ukrainian John Demjanjuk, who, if he was a German or Soviet prison guard, will have been drafted. Drafted.

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