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A Fool and His Money

One of the deepest divides in our alarmingly escalating Class War is one of mutual misunderstanding between the two sides about what money is for: The Job Creators can’t comprehend why the Lower Orders should have such fripperies as food, housing, and medical care (or worse, cell phones and TV’s), while those being steadily ground into mush under their well-shod heels can’t understand why people with enough money to buy their own states don’t at least buy states where the weather is better.  You see, all politics aside, Americans have been conditioned to believe that while money is good for the rich, it’s bad for the poor, despite so much overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

While it is certainly true that rich people occasionally spend their money wisely,  normal folks can’t help but gape in horror when they find out what, say, Ann Romney spent on a tarty and inappropriate t-shirt with a metallic fish on the front.  (less than a grand, but only just, for those keeping score….)    Kind of makes a car elevator seem, well, at least like a better investment.  Then there’s David Koch, who paid oodles of money to have Lincoln Center’s State Theater, home of the New York City Ballet, named after him, a trumped up (no pun intended) moniker which will stick with skeptical New Yorkers about as well as “Avenue of the Americas” did for Sixth Avenue.

Throw in Sheldon Adelson and Foster Friess, and there’s an awful lot of billions burning holes in the pockets of nutty coots so easily fleeced that they make taking candy from babies look challenging.  These are, of course, the same guys who have dedicated their grasping lives to the notion that government spends money foolishly?  Last time I checked, Shelly, when the government drops a cool $150 million not directly into the maw of the Pentagon, at least it ends up with a courthouse or something to show for it.  And when Newt Gingrich spent a half a million (OF YOUR MONEY!) at Tiffany’s, he undoubtedly also got something in return, too, although I’m undeniably loath to contemplate what it was.   Really, how dumb are these guys?

Naturally, since this is America, deep-pocketed nincompoops attract clever grifters like Newt the way shit attracts flies, with similar results.  The flies may feast, but the pile never really gets smaller.  There’s always more money for the next election, a few more bought-off “intellectuals,” and a superpac or four.  Spectacular failures like Dick Armey, Karl Rove, Dick Morris, and Jim DeMint may worry about a lot of things, and understandably so, but putting food on their families, as Bush so memorably put it, is decidedly not among them, at least for the foreseeable future.

Thus, I have a modest proposal, given the intractable nature of our current predicament: if we can’t beat the grifters, we ought to join them.  Predictably enough, when someone got the bright idea that space travel could be privatized, the enduringly credulous rich quickly started lining up.  Surely the likes of Adelson, Koch, et al, who are now proven to serially piss away nine figure sums for a big, fat, goose egg, would jump at the chance to fly to the moon.  Think of it….  Actually getting something for their copious cash on the barrelhead; how could they resist?  Better yet, those grabby “takers” will never get their paws on their money if they’re stuck on a different planet, for Pete’s sake.

Just don’t tell them their tickets are One-way until they land.  Problem solved, and America’s average IQ goes way up, too.  That would be “one giant step for mankind.”

Image by Annice @CHNN for cocktailhag.

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