General Petraeus’ Rules for Cheating vs. Rules for Living
Well I wanted to see where this affair fit into General Petraeus’ “Rules for living” (link to rules in The Daily Beast/Newsweek)
Here are my thoughts, maybe you have funnier ones.
Remember, Love is a battlefield. – Pat Benatar
1. Lead by example from the front of the formation. Take your performance personally—if you are proud to be average, so too will be your troops.
Hey Grunts, I lead from the front but I start at the back, if you know what I mean.This was no average affair, it was a GREAT affair. I was able to perform 3 times a night with only 1/2 a Viagra!
2. A leader must provide a vision—clear and achievable “big ideas” combined in a strategic concept—and communicate those ideas throughout the entire organization and to all other stakeholders.
My vision? Looking into a great set of tits! Let me tell you about ‘em, they were epic, high and firm. And you could bounce a metal of honor off her ass.
3. A leader needs to give energy; don’t be an oxygen thief.
I have her a hot energy injection, if you know what I mean. Someone was sucking something out of the room, but it wasn’t me.
4. There is an exception to every rule, standard operating procedure, and policy; it is up to leaders to determine when exceptions should be made and to explain why they made them.
I determined my wife wasn’t satisfying me and the army rule about adultery should go the way of don’t ask don’t tell. The rule about not cheating on my wife? This was my exception! So all you H O M Os can suck it.
5. We all will make mistakes. The key is to recognize them and admit them, to learn from them, and to take off the rear view mirrors—drive on and avoid making them again.
Okay. My mistake? I didn’t do it sooner! Then I could make Obama look worse before the election! As least I’m being honest, unlike those politicians who hide their affairs and lie. I’m looking at you John Edwards (insert other names of politicians who had affairs here)
6. Be humble. The people you’ll be leading already have on-the-ground conflict experience. “Listen and learn.”
I don’t like to brag, but I’ve got a 101 millimeter cock and a 9mm Glock.
7. Be a team player. “Your team’s triumphs and failures will, obviously, be yours.” Take ownership of both.
I didn’t have this affair alone, there were a lot of people who made the cover up possible, including the CIA, MSM, Fox News, my aide-de-camp, my body man, my personal admins, several commanders who looked the other way and of course my wife.
8. Don’t rely on rank. If you rely on rank, rather than on the persuasiveness of your logic, the problem could be you and either your thinking or your communication skills. Likewise, sometimes the best ideas come from bottom-up information sharing (i.e., “Need to share” not “Need to know”). Use “directed telescopes” to improve situational awareness.
Speaking of bottom-up sharing? Reverse cowgirl for the win! I think we all know where I directed my “telescope.”
9. Leaders should be thoughtful but decisive Listen to subordinates’ input, evaluate courses of action and second- and third-order effects, but be OK with an “80 percent solution.” “There will be many moments when all eyes turn to you for a decision. Be prepared for them. Don’t shrink from them. Embrace them.” Sometimes the best move is the bold move.
All eyes will be on me, especially when the photos come out! I’m going to embrace my affair, and those eyeballs, and sell the photos to OK Magazine or that French rag that had the nudes of Pippi’s sister.
10. Stay fit to fight. Your body is your ultimate weapons system. Physical fitness for your body is essential for mental fitness.
I’ve got rock hard abs, go ahead and feel ‘em. Come on, feel ‘em you maggot!
11. The only thing better than a little competition is a lot of competition. Set challenges for your subordinates to encourage them to excel.
Guess who leads the “joint” chiefs in affairs? ME! I’m doing better in the sack time department too if we don’t count ol’ Rummy, the man has stamina. Do you know he stands at his desk all day? Same with his women, he never even has to remake the cots. And for the men and women serving under me? What are you waiting for, especially you gay ones, time to let your freak flag fly!
12. Everyone on the team is mission critical Instill in your team members a sense of great self-worth—that each, at any given time, can be the most important on the battlefield.
Love is a battlefield. – Pat Benatar.
UPDATED: Slate has confirmed that the woman who had the affair with the General is Paula Broadwell, co-author of All In: The Education of General David,
I know that you all want to know what she looks like (because it has to be about looks, right?) so you can start your imagination. Link to photo at Gawker