Missionary Service Is Not the Same Thing as Military Service

Mitt Romney Serving in France

Missionary service is not the same thing as military service – a fact, and not just a semantic one – lost on Mommy, Daddy, and the Romney Boys. Donning a crisp white shirt and black tie to annoy the hell out of the good citizens of France from the back of a 10-speed is “service” to your church. Bleeding to death in a rocky Afghan Pass that a big flock of Mitt’s equally chickenhawkish supporters sent you to is service to your country.

Ann Romney, filling in for a hubby too pusillanimous to “serve” his campaign next to vicious warhawk Whoopi Goldberg, placed herself between the withering fire of Whoopi and her men folk. She’s due a Conservative Cross with Silver Dollar clusters for her bravery.

Goldberg fired the first round. “When I read about your husband, what I had read — and maybe you can correct this — is that the reason he didn’t serve in Vietnam was because it was against the religion.”


BOOM! Medic, I’ve been hit!

“That’s not correct,” Ann cried out above the din of battle. “He was serving his mission, and my five sons have also served missions. None served in the military, but I do have one son that feels that he’s giving back to his country in a significant way where he is now a doctor and he is taking care of veterans.”

SON! Here’s my health care voucher. Take me to the Hamptons for treatment,” she screamed in agony.

As the Harvard Med School corpsmen carried her off the battlefield she croaked through tears, “So, you know, we find different ways of serving. And my husband and my five boys did serve missions, did not serve in the military.”

Powerful stuff. Battle action so daunting it approached being as hard as campaigning. When The View returned from commercial break, Whoopi stuffed a rag in Ann’s mouth and began to pour a champagne bucket of melted ice cubes over it. “So, when you’re facing these mothers whose children have not come back, how will you explain to them that your sons haven’t gone? Will you talk about the missions they’ve gone on,” Whoopi said as she beat the defenseless Anne with a rubber hose.

Oh, the vile eyebrowless bitch! The horror. The horror.

Through pain-clenched teeth, Anne whispered, “I would say it’s probably the hardest thing that a president and a first lady probably do is to comfort those that have lost a love [sic] one and have gone in harm’s way,” Ann continued before blacking out. “It is an amazing country, we have the most extraordinary fighting men and women, and we have to be so grateful for them. Of course, it’s hard, and I don’t think that any of us can understand the sacrifice [sic] that are being made by families.”

Poor Ann, she was too weak to even answer the question. Damn those socialist bastards of the Kenyan Self-Aggrandizement Force!

It’s easy to make light of the Romney family’s aversion to anything that doesn’t service them. It’s especially easy when they say things like this. Easy, but sickeningly funny.

There are so many ways their defense is a gold-plated load of crap from the finest Kobe Kow. For example, Mitt could’ve served in the noble tradition of Quakers – whose religion actually doesn’t allow them to fight in wars – serving as battlefield medics. That’s infinitely more compassionate, patriotic, and braver service than a bike trip through the European countryside.

Ann is right when she says the boys all served their compulsory Mormon missionary tours though – quite admirably in fact. Citizens around the globe must have really appreciated it when:

Of course, the starving kids in Ethiopia probably would have appreciated it more if the boys had compulsorily served them – even if they did serve up the cold, thin rice gruel with a heaping, hot side dish of old-time religion.

Service by Not Serving

Ann says Ben “serves” the nation by treating injured soldiers at his private internal medicine practice in Boston. With a management degree from BYU and medical degree from Tufts, it’s probably damn good care too. I’m sure he offers an indigent veteran’s rate in thanks for their service to his country. As we know, compassion runs deep in the Romney family.

Tagg the Pugilist notwithstanding, Ann isn’t the only one who fights for the family honor. Last election, the boys toured Iowa on a comfy campaign bus from which they defended against charges that Dad might have a small stain in his pants by assuring everyone he was serving his nation too…by running for President!

Romneys, here’s the thing. I voluntarily served my country, and while I had the good fortune to serve under a democratic president who managed to keep us out of harm’s way, I’m proud of that. I would have accepted a combat job had one been needed, because that is what people in the military do.

However, I flew many humanitarian missions at home and abroad. My unit would have been one of the first into combat had those real socialists – the Russians – had invaded. Yes, I went to some very nice places in the 24 countries I traveled to, but I also went to a fair number of gravel strips that were too small to even have names. My war may have been Cold, but I practiced hard for it as did several friends killed in “safe” training accidents.

I served proudly and learned something about the men and women, like the Seals we often worked with, and their commitment to service and what it means. I’m pretty sure that almost 100% of veterans know something more about service to their nation, and what it means, than a kid taking a bicycle ride through Bordeaux.

The Romney’s political ambitions would have been well-served if they had served – or at least not tried to equate their “service” with the real thing. It cheapens their flag-waving promises to support our troops by hiding behind a pulpit – from which they could’ve easily served – that protected them from real sacrifice and service many regular Americans make every day of their lives.

It is insulting to serving troops and veterans.

The nation should be insulted.

I’m insulted. Damn insulted.

The Romneys should be ashamed of comparing their “service” to ours.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor.

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