The 3 Stages Of Republican Despair As Performed By Jay Nordlinger

The polls aren’t looking too good for Mitt “Mitt” Romney and panic is in the air. Despite the soothing dulcet tones of the Romney campaign, fear of The Return Of A Blah President has gripped the faithful who see the End Times drawing nigh and it is not the good End Times where White Jesus takes them up to the Heaven that looks like Augusta National Golf Club before they let the coloreds and the wimmins in. Oh no, it’s going to be more like Boyz ‘N The Hood + sharia law x Sandra Fluke performing abortions live on Nickelodeon. Also, more Kardashians, so no one wins.

In a brief hour span at NRO’s Shit Conservatives Say, noted ethno-humorist Jay Nordlinger runs the gamut of emotions starting with clutching at sliver of hope that might keep him afloat:

I think I once told this story in a column, years ago — it involves my friend Johnny A. and the 1992 election. Johnny A. was an extraordinary athlete, in football and other sports. He worked with us at the golf course, in the pro shop. I said, “Johnny, who’re you gonna vote for?” He said, “Clinton.” I said, “Why?” He said, “Time for a change.”

I said, “Okay, what kind of change? What kind of change do you favor?” He simply replied, “Time for a change.” I said, “But Johnny, what is the nature of that change? Do you favor change for change’s sake?” “Time for a change,” he said, stubbornly, smilingly.

“A., work with me here!” I said. “How about we turn the country into a police state? That would be a change.” “Time for a change,” he said. “How about you drive your car off a cliff? That would be a change.” Johnny A. would not budge: “Time for a change.” I can still see him, smiling stubbornly, with a wad of chew in his mouth.

I wonder whether people will feel this way in the 2012 election: Time for a change, regardless. This position has no real philosophical content: a preference for smaller government, a preference for bigger government. It’s just, as I indicated, a feeling: Time for a change.

The Republicans need all the help they can get.

Eleven minutes later, after Jesus failed to appear to him in a vision or speak to him via his Lunchable, came the long dark tea-time of Nordlinger soul:

During the Republican primaries, Michele Bachmann often said some version of the following line: “We’re going to beat Obama, no matter what. He’s a one-term president. He’s a goner. So we don’t have to settle. We can nominate a full-throttle conservative, because our nominee’s going to be the next president, period.”

You couldn’t quite buy that line. But, if you were like me, you kind of liked the sound of it — it made you feel good. Hopeful. Comforted. The line seems to me far-fetched now.

And then came the phase we like to call: Fuck You America. Die In A Fire! I Hate You! I Hate You!:

For some Republicans, it is never the people’s fault. I’ll tell you what I mean: If the Republican nominee loses, it’s always because he ran a lousy campaign. Couldn’t communicate. Made tactical blunders. Etc.

I say, the electorate always has a clear enough choice. Sufficient information. If they opt for the Democrat, and that view of government and society, maybe it’s because they want to.

This year, the electorate has a very clear choice, not least when it comes to economics. We are headed toward disaster. One side, the side heard in Charlotte, won’t even acknowledge the problem. It’s not merely that they don’t propose a solution; they won’t even acknowledge a problem. It’s just ever more free stuff, courtesy of “the rich.” Business, or non-business, as usual.

You can’t force people to save themselves, or their country. If they don’t want to — they don’t want to. In a democracy, people get what they deserve (or at least a majority does).

Republicans often say, “The Left controls education from kindergarten to grad school. They dominate the movie industry. The news media. Entertainment television. Popular music. Everything except talk radio!” Okay — and if you think that, do you have any right to be surprised when the people vote Democrat?

The 2012 election, I think, is not so much a test of Obama or Romney as a test of the people. There is a clear choice, with two very different candidates, each an excellent exponent of his view. Whatever the outcome of the election, the people will be responsible for that outcome.

That seems like such an elementary and obvious thing to say. Yet somehow, it’s kind of unusual, I think.

Jay Nordlinger isn’t mad at you America. He’s just very very disappointed in you and thinks you should go fuck yourself.

Bless his heart.


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Yeah. Like I would tell you....