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The Outlaw Jersey Whale

So Chris Christie went rogue Tuesday night, turning what was supposed to be the Keynote address into (as someone put it on twitter) a Me-Note address where he explained that he took the vast wasteland that is Jersey and turned into a fucking paradise on fucking earth.

And, oh yeah, vote for Mitt Romney or something:

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, famous for rarely mincing words, prescribed a dose of tough medicine tonight in his keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, telling party delegates and the nation that the solutions to the country’s economic ills “will not be painless.”

“Our problems are big and the solutions will not be painless,” he said. “We all must share in the sacrifice. Any leader that tells us differently is simply not telling the truth.”

Though it took him 17 minutes to mention the newly minted nominee by name, he said Mitt Romney would tell Americans “the hard truths” about fixing the economy and creating jobs.


Christie, a popular Republican believed to have his eyes on a future White House run, talked about his own biography and touted his record of busting unions and balancing the budget in New Jersey. He used the word “I” 32 times, but mentioned Mitt Romney by name only seven times.

One of the joys of watching the speech was the shots of Ann Romney, who had just finished her own speech where she implored all of the women in America to become sister-wives to that handsome zany hunk-O’-man that is her hubby like she was some kind of Mormon shadchan, sitting on the sidelines next to a glazed-looking Mitt, pursing her lips and grudgingly doling out half-hearted applause for the vulgar mendicant as he blustered on and on, failing to properly abase himself before the eyes of his betters. Instead Christie went off on a shouty “Was it over when Obama bombed Pearl Harbor?” rant that included telling America that they would get fuck-all and would like it when he became President and, oh, you want love?, well boo-fuckity-hoo, go find a hooker and pay for it yourself, dickface, because the government tit is officially closed for business. Now who’s with me? Get on your feet you lazy fucks and go make me a sandwich, before I show you the back of my hand. Yeah, you want some of that, big man? Didn’t think so … fucking pussy.

Also, Mitt 2012 but really Christie 2016 because this fucking mook has got roadkill written all over him.

(Credit to Marion in Savannah for the seedling that became the post title)

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....