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I Won’t Close the Lemonade Stands

One of my opponents has a new ad, claiming that I will shut down all children’s lemonade stands.


He says that I won’t be acting alone, of course. I will do it in concert with my “progressive cronies” – the actual term in the ad. Presumably in return for corporate PAC contributions from Big Lemon.

My opponent also claims that my “progressive cronies” and I will make gasoline so expensive (specifically, $10 a gallon) that people will “stop traveling to Florida” – again, an actual quote from his ad. So Disney World will have to change its name to Ghost Town, I guess.

And, finally, my opponent says that people will no longer go hunting – the horror!! – because my “progressive cronies” and I will “outlaw guns and ammunition.” I have to concede the logic of the latter part of that. What would be the point of outlawing guns, but not ammunition? Wouldn’t it be really frustrating, having all that ammunition around, and not being able to shoot at anything?

Remarkably, my opponent says that I will accomplish all of this during 2013. Clearly, it will be a busy year.

I would like to assure my opponent, and all other right-wing paranoid crackpots, that I will neither eliminate children’s lemonade stands, nor triple the price of gasoline, nor outlaw guns and ammunition. If I have a secret plan to do any of those things, it’s so secret that even I don’t know about it. It’s like I’m the Manchurian Candidate, or something.

And while we’re on the subject, I would like to inform my opponent that there are a few more things that neither I nor my “progressive cronies” intend to do:

(1) Make abortions mandatory.
(2) Socialize the means of production.
(3) Outlaw heterosexual intercourse.
(4) Tax breathing, or urination.
(5) Take away his velvet painting of dogs playing poker.
(6) Nationalize his underwear.
(7) Fill the sky with black helicopters.
(8) Remove the tin foil from his skull.

One more thing that I promise we won’t do: we won’t prevent imbeciles from throwing their hats into the ring. So my opponent can run for President in 2016, when Barack Obama is finishing his second term.

Are we clear on that? Good. Now let’s get back to discussing the things that my opponent is so desperate not to talk about: Jobs, healthcare, homes and education. What’s that? He has nothing to say? That’s what I thought.

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Alan Grayson

Alan Grayson