Lately I have had experiences leading me to believe some specific things:

1. It’s apparently a lost cause to have a philosophical discussion on the absolute necessity of constant happiness with one’s psychiatrist. Even citing the terrible realities that bother me didn’t stop him from once again recommending ECT and some new pills. I will not trade my ability to function for some extreme measures to escape personal distress that I feel has some valid sources. The doctor is not there to have some sort of Ingmar Bergman-esque discussion about all of that, and will continue to offer the same solutions.

2. I need to stop attempting to burn bridges when I get frustrated with people.  It didn’t matter to me before whether or not people in the Occupy Austin movement actually liked me as a person, but I began to feel as though I wasn’t being heard and that my offers of help with projects or ideas for projects were being disregarded. Despair began to creep in through the cracks. I began to hear of local anarchist meetings. Perhaps these are people who will listen and I can learn from them. Yes, I am a beginner to anarchist theory, and I started feeling like perhaps the local community would be a better fit for me. I didn’t take into account that I was taking some interpersonal stumblings far too personally, that Occupy Austin has been helpful in my own personal evolution, and despite my misgivings about trust, groups, and humanity as a whole, I really liked a lot of the people involved, even if I didn’t agree with them on certain matters. And who’s to say I can’t still go and meet some other local anarchists?

3. I want to approach Occupy Austin with an idea for perhaps a new group. Someone sometime back suggested a full jail support scenario, and OA has that to an extent. My idea has roots in the ABC model, and it’s more about writing to prisoners, even ones in faraway places, because some of our people are sitting in jail waiting on enough money to be raised to cover exorbitant bail, waiting on charges to be named so they can sit through trials and face stunning amounts of time in prison for being targeted by law enforcement conspiracies. Why not write them letters, even short letters, or send postcards? Even a few encouraging words can go a long way. I also wouldn’t mind roping some people into getting involved with the Inside Books Project with me.

4. My long road to sustainability has seen one or two tiny steps. I am tossing aside the idea that I am fated to be awful with gardening and have started growing a few vegetables. I plan to add more as the ones I have flourish. I felt a child-like pride in seeing my sprout jar produce almost a quart of fresh, organic alfalfa sprouts, too. Those with more experience may laugh, but they had a starting point, too. Small victories are to be savored. A garden that provides enough to feed my vegan diet really isn’t unrealistic.

5. Why have I turned this into a list? Also, the late hour demands my attention.

As with the gardening, I needed to start somewhere. Perhaps future entries will be a bit more cohesive. Perhaps not. Does it matter?