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January 2013: State of the Union

In a surprise announcement President Obama has reached out the the Republicans in Congress to break the deadlock in an increasing dysfunctional congress.

“We have decided the American People deserve a Government where the needs of the People are met in a speedy and expeditious manner” said Presidential spokesperson David Albatross. “No longer will the gridlock in Congress become a bottleneck for inaction.”

“As a result of extensive negotiations with there Republicans Part, the Democrats led by President Obama have decided to join the Republican Party.” continued the spokesperson, Albatross.

“We believe this will bring increased funding to Democratic Incumbents, and Provide the America People with much deserved relief from the partisan politics of the Past, and focus on building the Future in America for our children and grandchildren.”

“President Obama is proud to follow in the tradition of Abraham Lincoln, a the first Republican President of the United States” stated Albatross, who continued, “We expect unanimous support for all the President’s Programs from all members of congress, especially the replacement of all social programs with a single $100 per month voucher, super progressive taxes protecting the Wealth and Job Creators, and petitioning the pope for the beatification of all serving supreme court justices, and as a gesture to the church excluding Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Anything else would be considered an embarrassment to the president and the leaders of both parties in Congress”

Albatross finished most gracefully, with beautiful poise and superlative eloquence “My God have mercy on all of us. You’ll need it.”

The audience, the White House press corps, cheered and applauded.

In a related, but low key announcement late last Friday evening, a congressional committee has announced the unanimous support of all members of congress and the senate to replace all amendments to the US constitution with a new amendment making it a immediate capital offense, subject to summary execution, to embarrass any member of congress, the executive branch and the judiciary, and the outsourcing of the Federal Register to News Corp.

There were no questions from the press of Albatross.

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