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The End Times are coming, and TEH GAY is not responsible…it’s the zombies

The sure sign is the real-life zombie apocalypse. We may have pastors calling for the elimination of gays, and placing us in electrified pens, but these bible beaters need to watch their back for a more lethal problem. Witness these headlines. First, the one from Florida that made national news this past week:

Naked man killed by Police near MacArthur Causeway was ‘eating’ face off victim.

According to police sources, a road ranger saw a naked man chewing on another man’s face and shouted on his loud speaker for him to back away. Meanwhile, a woman also saw the incident and flagged down a police officer who was in the area.

The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots.

In the wake of that news last week, there was a lot of talk that this psycho was sent on this feeding frenzy because of the alleged consumption of the semi-legal designer drug available at head shops and convenience stores and a meme was born (“Bath Salts”: Were They Behind “Miami Zombie” Attack?).

Bonus points: the girlfriend of the flesh-eater came forward to say that a voodoo spell made him chow down on the victim’s face. But as sick and bizarre as that story was, it wasn’t the last sign of the zombie apocalypse….

Hackensack Man Stabs Self, Throws Pieces of Skin, Intestines at Police.

Two officers kicked in the door and saw [43-year-old Wayne] Carter in a corner, holding a knife in his hand, police said. Carter, ignoring the officers’ orders to drop the knife, stood up and stabbed himself in the abdomen, legs and neck, they said.

Carter yelled at the officers and took an aggressive stance, and the officers used pepper spray in a bid to subdue him, but it had no effect, Heinemann said.

Police said Carter then cut off pieces of his skin and intestines and threw them at the officers.

But wait, there’s more zombiefest for the End Times, from Baltimore (serving up with crab cakes, anyone?):

Maryland man charged with killing, eating man’s brain, heart.

Late Tuesday night Antony Kinyua notified police that his son had found human remains in the basement of the house. Upon their arrival, Jarrod Kinyua (the brain eater’s brother) told police he found a human head and two human hands inside metal tins, under a blanket in the laundry room.

When he asked Alexander Kinyua (the brain eater) about the remains, Jarrod said his brother denied that they were human and said they were animal remains. After calling his father downstairs, the pair discovered the remains had been moved and Alexander Kinyua was washing out the metal tins.

When the police arrived they were able to locate the heads and hands in the house. They also interviewed Alexander Kinyua, who allegedly admitted that he had killed Agyei-Kodie by cutting him up with a knife and afterward, ingested his heart and portions of his brain.

You just can’t make this up.

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Pam Spaulding

Pam Spaulding