All Tomorrow’s Barties

It’s hard out there being a conservative blogger.

If you are marginally successful, you can expect invitations to VERY IMPORTANT BLOGGING CIRCLE JERKS where you will be co-opted feted by the Koch Brothers for the price of a few rubber chicken dinners, a hotel room, and all the shit from the mini-bar you can shove in your overnight bag. If you are not marginally successful, you are probably Robert Stacy McCain. So sad.

Unlike progressive/libtard/communist/baby-killing bloggers who get sacks of stolen Nazi gold from from George Soros DAILY, conservatives mainly toil in abject poverty, filth, and obscurity unless the Ole Perfesser ‘heh, indeeds’ one of their posts and then comes the “Instalanche” which can be redeemed for valuable gifts and prizes like free coffee refills at Denny’s. Sweet! But, outside of that, it’s just writing”Obama ate a dawg, hunh hunh hunh” and living on ramen drenched in ranch dressing until one day your lifeless body is found fused to a Naugahyde couch, penis in one hand, Great American Conservative Women calendar in the other.

Sad points will be  awarded if you are turned to the Renee Ellmers page.

But there is good news on the horizon for conservative bloggers of all shades of white and Christianity-that-is-not fake-Chistianity-like-Mormon-Christianity, as The Heritage Foundation and The Franklin Center have announced The Breitbart Awards (I’m going to dub them the “Barties” because there may already be a band called the Brentwood Speedbumps, which was my first choice, and who needs a trademark infringement lawsuit right now, right?)

Here is the important announcement:

“The Heritage Foundation and The Franklin Center want to to recognize Andrew’s contribution to journalism, blogging and activism and we’re excited to be able to launch The Breitbart awards at the Future of Journalsim (sic) conference in June.”

Here are the award categories :

Full-time Reporter: In a media environment that tells reporters to go along to get along, a few still consider it a sacred trust to keep the people informed. A few still recognize the awesome responsibility in belonging to the only profession to be enshrined in the Bill of Rights. We’ll present one Breitbart Award to a full-time news reporter to honor courage and honesty in telling the real stories that matter to people’s lives.

Blogger: When the legacy media fails to do its job, we are fortunate to have an army waiting on the Internet to hold the institutions of power accountable. We’ll honor a blogger for intrepid reporting that goes over the heads of the legacy media to communicate directly to the people.

Citizen: The fight for freedom requires a constant stream of new recruits willing to make time in their lives to serve as watchdogs in their local communities. We’ll honor an information activist committed to digging up the truth.

You can make your nominations here but you will be asked a lot of questions as well as for your email address (REQUIRED!) after which your email will be filled daily with requests for money, links to passive-aggressive birtherism posts, and probably photos of Obama in a watermelon field because those never get old.

But you don’t have to bother, because in the category of Full Time Reporter, I have already nominated Katrina Trinko for her game-changing, to say nothing of time-bending, expose of the Plagiarisms Of Elizabeth Warren That Weren’t because it held up for TWO WHOLE HOURS which is, like, a record or something.

For Blogger, we most go with racist butterball and self-described “genius” Matthew Boyle of Tucker Carlson’s Stormfront For Sissies for his groundbreaking advances in whining about how nobody will answer his mails or take him seriously, probably because he works for Tucker Carlson’s Stormfront For Sissies, but mainly because he’s Matthew Boyle.

And for Citizen we must go with … Andrew Breitbart for yelling “Stop raping people! Behave yourself!” at random OWS people out in front of CPAC which he then punctuated by dying three weeks later. That is the kind of selfless dedication we need from all of our conservative citizens and it should serve as a very explicit do-not-deviate-from-this example for all.

Anyway, there will probably be an award ceremony and then the winners will be taken for a celebratory Potomac cruise and dinner on James O’Keefe’s rape boat.

Hilarious hijinks will ensue…

Previous post

Late Night: Resistance Is Futile

Next post

Late, Late Night FDL: We Shall Overcome



Yeah. Like I would tell you....