Fear Of A Chunky Reese Witherspoon Planet

Shorter Ross Douthat:

The Obama administration is forcing the Catholic church to offer contraception to everyone in an effort to lead me into temptation. This, and by ‘this’ I mean ‘my penis’, must not and will not stand.

And for a refresher course on what Ross and lil Ross think about the pill:

One successful foray ended on the guest bed of a high school friend’s parents, with a girl who resembled a chunkier Reese Witherspoon drunkenly masticating my neck and cheeks. It had taken some time to reach this point–”Do most Harvard guys take so long to get what they want?” she had asked, pushing her tongue into my mouth. I wasn’t sure what to say, but then I wasn’t sure this was what I wanted. My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to. I was supposed to be excited, but I was bored and somewhat disgusted with myself, with her, with the whole business… and then whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated, with shocking speed, as she nibbled at my ear and whispered–”You know, I’m on the pill…”

Get thee behind me, succubi, thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men. Or Ross Douthat if no men are available….

(Added) By the way, Ross Douthat has been married for three and a half years. In that time : one child. I know Catholics are adherents of the rhythm method but Ross looks like one of those white guys who can’t keep a beat. Is it irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to.

Also, this.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....