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Racist Dipsh*ts vs. Rich F*ckwads: American History on Repeat

Yet another American electoral contest has been whittled to a standoff between openly racist, mouth-breathing dipshits and self-satisfied, condescending, rich fuckwads, the Orlando Sentinel has reported (satirical attribution mine.)

Polls show the two factions evenly divided, with the unbearably stiff, awkward, and patronizing scions of industrial capital lining up behind former Massachusetts governor and corporate raider Mitt Romney, and the eleven-fingered, dirt-eating, trailer-dwelling cretins of the destroyed South hinging their pathetic hopes for a rebirth of Confederate glory on the candidacy of disgraced former House speaker Newt Gingrich.

Historians reflecting on the race agreed that this is the same dynamic which has prevailed in American elections approximately 100% of the time. “From the historic election of Andrew Jackson in 1828, to the second term of Grover Cleveland in 1892, to the epic battle between Tracy Flick and Tammy Metzler in the 1999 film ‘Election,’ every single American political contest has boiled down to basically the same factions,” said George Zadovich, who teaches American political history at the University of South Florida.

“On the one side, you have your bloodless, trans-Atlantic, weekend windsurfing banksters who pretty much shit gold coins. On the other, you’ve got your stunted, imbecilic, gun-clenching lunatics, with their backwoods militias, New World Order conspiracy theories and nostalgia for the good old days of lynching and Jim Crow. Those are pretty much the two pillars of American politics.”

As of press time, Mitt Romney was boring to tears an audience of millionaires who had paid $5,000 a plate to attend an intimate dinner with the candidate, while Newt Gingrich was atop a stage slapping palms with country music singers and NASCAR drivers, railing about how food stamps are a conspiracy to deprive states of their rights.

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