Pet Sounds

Sensing a sea change in his campaign (and by “sea change” we mean that the Gingrich campaign is sinking like the Edmund Fitzgerald) Newt Gingrich and his bird of prey-faced wife are going for America’s  fun couple vote because, well, what else is left in this stupid election season what with Ron Paul wrapping up the bigot demographic, Rick Perry downing brewskis and racking up points with the pre-verbal crowd, and Mitt Romney’s leveraged buyout of the ‘resigned to the fact that the other choices are bugfuck crazy‘ vote.

So, as part of the Anthropomorphizing of Team Gingrich, we present … stupid pet tricks:

Forget the back and forth attacks with Mitt Romney. Newt Gingrich’s campaign has decided to take another route on his bid to the Republican nomination: pets and music.

The campaign said today that it will soon launch a “Pets With Newt”  site aimed at Gingrich’s love for animals, intended to show a “lighter side” of the candidate. “As speaker I made it possible for people in public housing to keep their pets in 1988. I love pets so we’re going to have an entire project,” Gingrich said.

Gingrich doesn’t have any pets at this time…

Well, yeah, that could present a problem, pet-wise. But the Gingrich’s are nothing if not flexible (Callista even more so as evidenced by six years of auto-(as in car)-fellating Newt while he was otherwise betrothed) so there is probably gonna be a prop dog along  any minute now:

….but he told ABC News today he and his wife Callista want a dog in the White House, and it’s a friendly disagreement between the couple over what kind and size of dog. Callista wants a small dog and Newt wants a large dog, though he says dogs like a Great Dane are a little too large.

This makes so much sense. Since dogs reflect the personalities of their owners, Newt obviously desires a big rambunctious ill-mannered shaggy beast who will probably spend his days and nights roaming the neighborhood off-leash, humping every bitch he can mount, whereas Callista is more of the high-strung yappy purse-dog type. I’m guessing there is a sweater & bow-bedecked neurotic Pomeranian named Tiffany in Callista’s future.

But wait…there’s more:

The campaign also plans to release a music education video starring Callista, who is a classically trained musician and signer. “A music education video from my wife will be on the importance of music education and her background as a classical French horn player and a singer in the Basilica.”

The campaign’s approach is to show a fun side of the former Speaker of House and involve Callista more in the campaign.

Far be it from me to point this out, but…. Callista Gingrich is the singularly least appealing First Lady-in-waiting to shuffle down the pike since probably Mary Todd Lincoln. I can’t honestly believe that Gingrich’s campaign people are on-board with making this botoxed trailer park Pamela Harriman a focal part of the campaign. This is all on Newt. Put aside the six-year adultery binge which is between Callista and her Catholic Jesus (who has his hands full enough as it is with priests treating altar boys like the entree line at the Golden Corral), there ‘s not enough Vaseline in the world to soft-focus the lens and make Callista appear warm and fuzzy. As a trophy wife she’s more Third Place Runner-up material and Miss Congeniality she is most definitely not; Callista’s so brittle she makes Nancy Reagan look like Sarah Silverman. Excuse me – she makes Nancy Reagan look like a drunk Sarah Silverman.

It’s almost as if Newt wants his campaign to dash upon the rocks whereupon he’ll put the blame (No. It’s you, not me…) upon Callista who brought him down with her siren call and also that thing she does with her tongue. Don’t ask. No. Really. You don’t want to know. Then Newt can make plans for another comeback – his third act – where he’ll enter [stage right] singing What I Did For Love while letting his piggy eye roam over the chorus line as he casts about for, yet again, another leading lady

You can’t teach an old dog new(t) tricks, but they rarely forget the old ones…

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