Chivy Chase

As the lovely Susan O’ Texas points out, our Lady of The $800 Robotic Diamond-Encrusted Fork & Spoonerator has her hotly anticipated Kitchen Gift List up, and by “hotly anticipated” we mean that McMegan is literally being deluged with special pleadings from readers desperately seeking direction lest Christmas become merely a celebration of our Lord and Savior instead of goody orgy… or so she tells us:

I am pleased and gratified at the number of people who are not-so-subtly chivvying me to get this up early so they can get a jump on their shopping.  Well, here it is:  the old favorites, the new loves.  As always, commenters are encouraged to contribute their own suggestions, or to review past nominations.

Yes, she used “chivvying” which is one of those ten dollar words like “nonce” that you can only buy from Canadians in Canadia  because Canadians have a lot time to invent words while they wait ten years to see a doctor for their cancer because of Socialism healthcare. Of course the fact that McMegan is even creating a “gift list” is puzzling coming as it is from a Randian Jane Galt kind of gal. Shouldn’t those gifts be earned? Is she enabling her moocher family and friends by just giving them things? Isn’t this like Rick Santorum offering up a list of his top ten favorite gay bars? Pretty much.

But what is on her list, you may be asking yourself because you don’t want to get out of the boat and get McArglebargle all over your good shoes. Well….

Figural chicken measuring spoon set So let’s be frank: you’re not going to buy this gift for your boyfriend, the arc welder, unless your man is unusually comfortable with his feminine side.  It’s a gift for a woman.  Probably one who is not entirely averse to the possibility that a “Country Kitchen” vibe will accidentally creep up on her cooking space.

How did this fine bit of kitsch earn its place on the gift guide?  Because I was sick of trying to find my damn measuring spoons when I needed them.  Yes, yes, I have the ones on the steel rings. They get jammed in a drawer, kicked under the counter, etc.  When I want a measuring spoon, I frequently want it RIGHT NOW, before the hollandaise congeals to an eggy disaster.

Again with the hollandaise sauce. What, do they put hollandaise sauce on everything? Cap’n Crunch? Nachos? And, more importantly, I thought the Amazing Technicolor Peach-Pitting Flambé-er was supposed to make the hollandaise while you “cooked” by sitting down in front of the TV watching The Real Housewives of Williamsburg? I think a refund is in order even if it is in that fake Canadia money.

Kitchen Twine Dispenser:  Very attentive readers will notice a certain chicken theme emerging in this gift guide, and indeed, in my kitchen.  This has not been entirely intentional (and people who know me are begged not to conclude “she’s collecting chickens!” so that they can inundate me with chicken-themed merchandise every holiday season).  The basic features you want in a twine dispenser are 1) that it is heavy enough to stay put when you are tugging on the twine and 2) that it has an integrated cutting edge so that you do not have to go hunting for your scissors or (horrors!) use one of your nice kitchen knives to cut your twine.  A nice heavy twine dispenser with its own cutting edge can be operated one handed, imperative when your other hand is occupied in wrestling with your chicken or untrimmed pot roast.

Obviously, if you are not the sort of person who trusses poultry . . . if you get all of your roasts already neatly tied up from the butcher, and never do get around to assembling a bouquet garni bag out of cheesecloth before they start the soup . . . then you do not need a kitchen twine dispenser, because you do not need kitchen twine.

I sense bondage in the air…. kitchen bondage. Oh, ick. C’mon. We eat on that table. Jesus,  now there’s McSudergravy everywhere

Salt Pig Much to the exasperation of my husband, I like everything right out on the counter where I can get at it . . . but with salt, this is vital.  It goes in almost everything you cook, and who wants to waste time hunting for the canister, or fiddling with that little pour spout?  (Plus, I have never yet managed to pour salt out the spout without messing up my counter, or wasting salt).

See: salt, Pink Himalayan

…and we’ll just leap to the end:

The Thermomix Last, but oh, not least.

To get the obvious out of the way:  it is very, very expensive.  It is not a purchase to be undertaken lightly.  Not everyone should own one.

This is not for you. By purchasing one you will have diminished the very success of Megan McArdle and then she will be forced to find an even more expensive food processor (one that uses lasers … from space) in order to stay ahead of you thereby maintaining a strategic distance (The Kitchen Gap). If we get into a race for the Most Powerful Kitchen Gizmos, the world will be at risk and scientists will be compelled to move the hands on the Doomsday Egg Timer that much closer to midnight.

And nobody wants that…

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....