I’m The One I Want To Be
Following a twitter-twatted link from tired old punchline Christine O’Donnell, I was pleased to see that there is something on the internets called the “Tea Party Tribune“. Obviously this will be ripe for future lulz. But I’m not sure that anything will top the amazing story of teabagger Kevin A. Lehmann.
Who is Kevin A. Lehmann, you might rightly ask? Let’s go through this step by step.
From his Tea Party Tribune bio:
A fiercely passionate and independent, libertarian-leaning, constitutional conservative, Kevin is an outspoken opponent of the far left progressive agenda. He rails against big government, the ruse of religion – including Islam and commercial Christianity – and the theological, ideological, and financial war that’s being waged against the United States of America. A self-educated Iconoclastic Christian and Patriotic American, Kevin A. Lehmann is the purveyor of CatchKevin.com and a prolific writer and blogger. Full of passion, wisdom and wit, his transparent and no-nonsense style makes his talk radio show “Catch Kevin: Unscripted & Uncensored!” not only the (go to) show for relevant stories, business insight, and political punditry, but for tackling the tough issues . . . Head On! ??His high profile guests include politicians, economists, scientists, theologians and business titans. He is currently writing his memoir, “Driven: Gambling, Girls, Guts & God,” a first hand account of his tumultuous and sexually abusive childhood, his entrepreneurial acumen, and gradual growth into a high rolling rebel immersed in a world of limos, lovers, Lear jets, and lady luck. The first 6 chapters of which are posted on his website.
You may remember some of his more famous blogspots, such as:
…and surely you remember:
I think that one was reprinted in the Wasilla Grifter-Pioneer.
By now you are probably saying, “Dear Kevin A. Lehmann, your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. And do tell me more about yourself…”
Since I am a giver (I give and I give…) I am more that happy to include some of the flattering things that Kevin A. Lehmann wrote about Kevin A. Lehmann:
If you asked the people who know me personally, I’m everything from an ideological infidel to a marketing maverick and a Renegade Republican. By all accounts, pretty accurate, although I fancy myself an independent, libertarian-leaning Constitutional Conservative.
A few of the adjectives used to describe me besides bold, brash and brazen are intense, intelligent and intriguing. Still, others refer to me as an enterprising entrepreneur who’s as tenacious as a tiger and as persistent as a pit bull. My intensity however, is often mistaken for anger and contemptuousness. Have a fervent opinion or take a passionate stand on something and a politically correct, apathetic and disengaged society wants to label you a radical, a fundamentalist, or an extremist. First Amendment freedom of speech—yeah, right!
Then in a more balls than brains move, in 1994 I used a $10,000 credit card and founded a lead generation and sales and marketing training company called ProSTEP (Professional Support and Training Equals Profits). Attracting 50,000 customers, ProSTEP grossed about $100 million in revenues and paid out over $60 million in commissions until its collapse in 2006.
I embarked on a pluralistic spiritual journey that embraced facets of Christianity along with Hinduism, Buddhism and the ancient Chinese Tao. However, I have since repented of polytheism (belief in more than one God), pantheism (God is not only the creator, but part of the creation), and my gnostic naivety and rely solely on the wisdom of the Word—the Holy Bible. Implementation, regeneration and transformation on the other hand, is easier said than done.
After embarking on a grueling, yet gratifying academic (proper hermeneutical, exegetical, and linguistic) study of the Hebrew and Greek manuscripts, biblical history, church history, Israelite/Jewish history and the Hebraic roots of Christianity—including a trip to Israel for more perspective, deeper insight, and a baptismal dunk in the Jordan River—as a grafted member into the spiritual ecclesia (the real church), and self-described Iconoclastic Christian, I don’t adhere to modern day church dogma. Nor do I venerate man-made relics and artifacts or worship on and celebrate man-appointed religious Holy Days. I do embrace biblical principles, just not modern day Babylonian “Commercial Churchianity” and its superficial sundries.
A former adrenalin junkie and casino high roller, I have experienced the rush of driving at speeds of 200 mph (yes, on a regular highway), the exhilaration of flying through the skies at terminal velocity, and the euphoria of winning a Million Bucks at the craps table in a single day. Conversely, I’ve experienced the pain of being ticketed for driving 167 in a 65 (couldn’t outrun the radio, dammit!), the nightmare of a malfunctioning parachute (Ch 5), and the gut-wrenching nightmare of losing a million bucks—Ouch!
Whether it’s the lifelong struggle between my flesh and spirit, a raw account of the years of sexual and physical abuse I endured as a child, a real-life depiction of Marine Corps boot camp, the psychological makeup of an Extreme Entrepreneur, the unorthodox principles I used to build a $100 million dollar company from a credit card advance, my addiction to adrenalin and insatiable desire to drive my exotic cars at Indy Car speeds, my near death experiences, betting the farm during the Internet bubble, my gradual growth into a casino high roller, licentious escapades in limos and Lear jets, a fatal attraction relationship with a modern day Femme Fatale (personal kryptonite), my ongoing spiritual milieu including receiving numerous false prophecies, or if you just want to ride in the mind of an alleged maniac—that’s me, but I’ll let you be the final judge—there is something in the first six chapters of my manuscript for everyone.
By now I’m sure you’re saying ” I must read this manuscript you speak of , Kevin A. Lehmann, for without it my life is but a hollow husk/a barren wasteland/dust in the wind”.
Okay, I’ll give you guys a sample, but only a little bit because this just might be too awesome for one sitting.
Chapter 1 – Part 1
The 167-mile journey from my home in Destin, Florida, to the front entrance of the casino in Biloxi, Mississippi, usually took three hours to drive. But today, driving my Ferrari at speeds of up to 200 miles per hour, I arrived in record time—one hour and fifty-nine minutes. Normally, I would have summoned the casino’s private jet, but this was no pleasure trip.
The time was four o’clock when I skidded to a stop in front of the main entrance. “Take care of my baby,” I told the valet, shouting above the theme song to Rocky that was still blaring through my stereo. As I walked into the temple of temptation, I knew it was only a couple of minutes before the adrenalin rush of holding two dice over a crowded craps table would make the exhilaration of driving at Indy car speeds pale in comparison.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Lehmann,” the concierge hailed, barely catching a glimpse of me as I rushed right past the VIP lounge. “Shall I prepare the Presidential Penthouse, sir, and make dining arrangements for this evening?”
“No, thank you—not tonight, Lou,” I hollered back. “If all goes well, I’ll be out of here in a heartbeat.” Hidden by my loose-fitting Tommy Bahama shirt was $250,000 crammed in the waistband of my Levi’s blue jeans. My quarter million dollar bankroll was in five rubber-banded wads—each wad made up of crisp $100 bills.
Throwing those bundles of cold hard cash on the table and declaring, “Money plays,” was one hell of a thrill. High-stakes gambling is all about image, ego, and self-confidence. Never let them see you sweat was my motto—no matter how high the stakes. And trust me—gambling with six-and seven-figure bankrolls, especially when you have to win, completely eliminates the game’s entertainment value. Tonight was strictly business. The question was who would win—me or them?
I would include more but I have been inspired to get to work on my own memoir – “Also Driven Too: Booze, Broads, Bassets, & Shakira’s Ass and, Yes, I Know Shakira’s Ass is Not Alliterative“…..
I was having hot dirty sex with Shakira on my bed made out of solid gold while my other leggy supermodel girlfriends were out walking the dogs. As Shakira writhed above me I thought to myself, “I sure hope they remembered to takes bags in order to pick up the poop…”
If you guys want more of that, you’re going to have to pay. Maybe for a chance to win an iPad2…
(image courtesy of motifake.com)