FLASH: Wall St. Comes to Standstill, We’re Safe for a While
From The Treetops Tattler by Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk.
Trading on the stock exchange came to a screeching halt today, paralyzing Wall St. and financial markets across the globe.
Accomplishing what thousands of protesters have failed to do in weeks of occupation, trading on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange came to an instantaneous halt when broker Robert Braudington discovered an exact likeness of Kenneth Lay toasted onto a bagel (plain with butter) he was about to bite into. “I can’t believe how close I came to eating it!” Braudington lamented.
Upon recognizing the likeness of Mr. Lay, the stunned trader immediately dropped to his knees and began to wail and pray. Whispers rippled across the floor of the exchange like a shockwave as fellow traders converged on Braudington and the miracle bagel. All transactions stopped as the assembled multitude bowed, prayed and wept.
In a statement choked with emotion, the president of the NYSE announced that the stock exchange would be closed until further notice, while emissaries from the Vatican, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and some crackpot cult from Southern California converge on lower Manhattan to investigate the miracle.
Those who were present say they experienced an epiphany unlike anything since Gordon Gekko pronounced, “Greed is Good.” In other markets bagel futures soared.
While the Pope is reserving comment on the miracle, English muffins have replaced bagels on the Vatican breakfast menu.
Throngs have crowded into St. Peter’s Square demanding a fast track to sainthood for Lay. Veteran Vatican watchers speculate that it is unlikely that we’ll see a “Saint Kenneth the Misunderstood” in the very near future, but they’re optimistic about his chances in the longer haul. “First the investigation, then the canonization,” commented one unidentified cleric. “I’m calling Vegas as soon as I get out of here and putting my money on 2015.”