The tenth anniversary of the September 11th attacks had aviation security officials on edge. They were so edgy they scrambled fighter jets and deployed the bomb squad for a couple that was probably having sex in the airplane bathroom.

A Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Detroit was taken to a “remote area of the airport” and searched for explosives. ABC reported “suspicious behavior,” which in fact was two people “making out” in the bathroom. The local ABC affiliate WXYZ in Detroit was more explicit: “The ABC News National Security team is telling Action News that their sources say the flight was disrupted by two people having intimate relations in one of the bathrooms.”

The FBI’s statement on all this covers up the fact that a couple Americans were trying to join the Mile High Club and that is why NORAD ended up scrambling F-16 jets to “shadow the flight until it landed.” The statement claims they were sent “out of an abundance of caution.”

The Department of Homeland Security issued a “specific, credible but unconfirmed” threat for New York City and Washington, DC that allegedly stemmed from “intelligence” indicating new al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri was going to try and avenge the death of Osama bin Laden on the tenth anniversary. At the moment, it does not appear anything was being plotted at all and al-Zawahiri was just saying a plot was being planned to make America go into a frenzy (however, there is no way to confirm that because the US government rarely informs Americans of key details related to why they believed there was a threat, even after it becomes clear there was no threat).

It must give Islamic extremists, who plot attacks that US intelligence agencies have yet to successfully prevent, great satisfaction to see that a libidinous act forced the US to send military planes to make sure it landed and was inspected. It shows just how the “terrorists” control America ten years later, as those handling security are so fearful that they cannot distinguish between someone planting a bomb and a couple banging each other in the lavatory.

After Umar Farouk Abulmutallab (known as the Christmas Day bomber) tried to set off a condom bomb in December 2009, airport security became particularly hysterical. I wrote a post in January 2010 that ended up being put on the front page here at FDL (before I was blogging here at The Dissenter). It documented the instances of hysteria:

Fawlty Airports

Pick out the stories that you think have and have not happened since the underwear bomber failed to bring down America with his condom bomb of mass destruction:

-Joan Rivers deemed a danger to national security, a man detained on a plane for unruly behavior or spending too much time in the bathroom

-A German family’s vacation canceled after the father in the family joked about having explosives in his underwear

-An airport in Newark shut down after a man wandered the wrong way through a checkpoint

-A man late for his flight opts to take all of his clothes off and go through security nude to hopefully ensure that he won’t be subject to a gratuitous search that will lead him to miss his flight or be stalled by a Nigerian or Muslim in line in front of him

-And, a California airport experiences a scare as five Gatorade bottles carrying honey are discovered and the bag the contents are being carried in test positive for TNT and two TSA agents open one of the bottles and become nauseated from the fumes and are both treated and released from a local hospital

Joan Rivers was put on a terror watch list (perhaps, because the NSA wiretapped a prankster claiming future attacks from al Qaeda will be carried out by individuals wearing latex Joan Rivers masks).

A man was detained for spending too much time in the bathroom (apparently, al Qaeda has made it so that man no longer has the right to relieve his self of chronic diarrhea and read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader during the time he spends relieving himself as he is flying on the airplane).

A German family’s vacation was canceled when the father joked about having explosives in his underwear. (Had he been alone he might have looked the security agent in the eye and said, “Is that a PETN explosive in my pants or am I just happy to see you?”)

A Newark airport was shut down after a man wandered through a checkpoint the wrong way. (If you see Uncle Al, please leave me a message. He has a really bad case of dementia and probably didn’t know how to react to all the security. We miss him and hope we are reunited with him soon.)

And a Californian airport in Bakersfield did experience a scare as TSA agents mobilized to investigate a man, Francisco Ramirez, a Milwaukee gardener, who was returning home with honey in five Gatorade bottles that were carried in a bag that tested positive for TNT. Two TSA agents did become nauseated from the “fumes” coming from the honey and go to the hospital (so it’s a good thing Winnie al-Pooh won’t be hijacking a plane anytime soon).

BBC World Today contacted me for a radio interview after reading my post. Here’s the interview I did then, which I think is relevant to today’s hijinks.


Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola

Kevin Gosztola is managing editor of Shadowproof. He also produces and co-hosts the weekly podcast, "Unauthorized Disclosure."