The Fucked Me Over

THE 'YAHOOFUS' SPEAKS - Yahoo dumped CEO Carol Bartz this week and boy was she pissed. "They fucked me over," she said.

Not Safe For Work Unsavory language

The talk around cappuccino makers across Sillycon Valley this week has been all about the firing of Yahoo CEO, Carol Bartz.

Bartz’ feathers were quite ruffled because Yahoo canned her over the phone. This is the kind of shabby treatment the privileged find ever so insulting. No warning. No chance to send out the de reguier “Carol has decided to pursue other opportunities…we wish her well in her endeavors (and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out)” email. Just off with her head. In Bartz’ words, “These people fucked me over.”

I’m sure all the Yahooligans Bartz, “fucked” over in rounds of layoffs without benefit of even a phone call are up in arms. And, I’m equally sure the $10.4 million severance door that hit her in the ass on the way out will soften the blow. And, let’s not forget the $3 million in salary and bonus (a bonus to someone you just fired?) she’s owed from last year plus an odd assortment of future stock options.

Those Dofusses Fucked Me Over!

You Fucking Dpoofuses!

'Pootieheaded' Doofus Cracks Wise

Carol, just don’t call the board a bunch of, “dofusses”. That non-disparagement clause might cost you a pretty penny.

I’m sure Bartz won’t have much trouble in today’s job market finding work. After all, she’s proved her worth by pushing an already damaged company over the edge. It’s not just anybody who can do that you know. Why, I’m surprised Yahoo didn’t give her a retention bonus to keep all that expertise in-house.

And if that doesn’t pan out there’s always politics. She’s known of a bit of a hothead so she’s a perfect fit for the job. She can follow in the footsteps of fellow wunder-kindergartners “Carlyfornia” Fiorina and Meg “June Cleaver” Whitman in applying her business acumen to the political life.

Why Would Anyone Want the Damn Job?
I’m a nice guy. Really. I don’t want anyone to lose their job. Even in the rarified air of the boardroom, being made “redundant” – as our British friends call it – is a traumatizing and embarrassing. And truth be told, the place was such a mess when she jumped in many wondered why she even wanted the job. It was similar to the question of why Obama wanted the job of trying to clean up the elephant dung left from the previous eight years. There’s only so much one person can do – even if they are obscenely paid and have an ego the size of Namibia.

But, it strikes me that Bartz’ tenure may have survived and the answer of how is in, of all places, reality TV.

We should make a prerequisite of every CEO position a stint on Undercover Boss, the TV show that lets the high and mighty work in the shoes of the low and weak. A little humility is a good thing, especially for the 5 martini-lunch set. After all, the CEO of garbage hauler Waste Management learned it’s a tad harder to collect garbage and cope with his boneheaded edicts than he might have thought. You’d think a Harvard MBA would know that without being told.

Yahooligans aren’t as low on the pay scale as your average garbage picker upper, but they do have their issues. So Bartz might get more benefit from some other undercover assignment.

Perhaps Port-O-Potty pumper would be appropriate.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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