Obama: ‘Creating Jobs Is My Highest Priority as President; You Believe Me, Don’t You?’
“Well…my highest priority except for some politicking, of course; it’s election season, and I had to poke old John Boehner in the eye just a li’l bit, didn’t I? Now I wrote to the Speaker a few days ago, and asked if I might possibly pretty please address a Joint Session o’ Congress on the 7th to clearly enunciate my Jobs Will Save America plan and help restore confidence
in me in the government and the economy. Now John said nope; the Republican Candidates were havin’ another one of their ‘How Many of You Have Signed Grover’s No-Tax Pledge?’ Debates that night, but now he’s sayin’ he never said that, but I switched it to the 8th, and I wanted to see that kickoff NFL game; you prolly did, too; but whatever, John. It was all just a big coinkidink, not some political gamesmanship on my part; come on.”
(Rose Garden, next day; flanked by Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka and Chamber of Commerce Chief Operating Officer David Chavern):
“Now I don’t want to give you too much of my plan here, but if I tell you some of it, we can see how it plays in Peoria, maybe tweak a few things, ya know, before I see if it’s worth doin’ a barnstorm trip around the country to sell it. Now the pundit world’s been gamin’ the thing: ‘Will he go Big? Will he go Small?’ Sillies; I’m goin’ right down the Middle! Medium Small!
I’m calling on Congress to renew the Transportation Bill,
at least until election time for a few weeks; and my jobs bill will be heavy on highway infrastructure. Now I know: when I was selling the Recovery Act, I said we had all kinds o’ shovel-ready projects ready to slam into action. Well, it turns out they weren’t quite as shovel-ready as we expected, but Jeff Imelt and I sure had a laugh over it in June. Heh!
Now old Joe Biden tries to talk me into trains, but I say, “Joe; Americans like to drive.”
I’ve asked various agencies to fast-track permits for projects, including the off-shore drilling the Secretary of the Inferior announced last week.
And we’re primed to give our Official Okey-dokey to the Keystone Pipeline. It’ll not only supply some energy security, but add thousands of good jobs. We believe that having Canada as a supplier of our oil is much more comforting than to have other countries supply our oil; as everyone knows, Canadian tar oil is so much more polite than foreign Brent crude. Heh!
I’ll call on Congress again to pass myBig Free Trade package deal; Americans need work now, and the Panamanian one will be especially beneficial, and is strongly supported by the Chamber of Commerce.
At my request, Senator Barbara Boxer and Republican Johnny Isakson (wink) of Georgia have teamed up on a bipartisan-y a bill to help stressed homeowners refinance their mortgages. It’s called The Helping Responsible Homeowners Act; Ezra Klein says it won’t help much, but it sure can’t hurt. Heh; just kidding.
I think I’ll ask for more of those payroll tax holidays, too…
And here’s an idea I had a dream about: we’ll do some one-week job trainings all over the country to teach the unemployed how to say: ????????????????or ‘Would you like fries with that? ’ in Chinese. Imelt liked it a lot.
Now lots of you will be getting an email from the White House tomorrow. As you all know, I believe that government should be open and accountable to its citizens, and that’s the goal of my brilliant new re-election program ‘We the Little People’.
Soon, you Little People will be able to create or sign a petition at WhiteHouse.gov seeking action from the federal government on a range of issues. If a petition gathers enough signatures, the White House staff will review it, make sure it gets to me, or my administration’s policy experts, and I might even answer a few myself. I’ll be you didn’t even know the Constitution provides for you all to Petition your government, did you? Har! Har! You mightta been able to tell I’m a guy of the people, since I’m usin’ my folksy voice for ya today. Heh!
No questions, please; and God bless America.”
In related news, the National Park Service reported yesterday that the Washington Monument is leaking.
It’s worse now, of course…