Catholic League president Bill Donohue is outraged. Outraged because those damn gays are getting married. Bill says that if you open the door, a Rick Santorumesque world holds sway – threesomes and moresomes will suck all the life out of the Catholic church and bring the human race to ruination.

Bill’s outraged that nature disqualified homosexuals from parenting because they don’t have matching equipment. Yet, they insist on marrying to raise children within the framework of stable 2-parent couplings. Or as Bill more electrifyingly puts it, “I mean, let’s face it. If you want electricity, if you want juice, you can’t have two sockets touch each other or two prongs. The prong has to penetrate the socket.”

Make sure you have a good solid ground too.

Methinks Bill should think more about that whole, “the prong has to penetrate the socket” analogy though. Clearly, there are lots of gay prongs penetrating lots of gay sockets as we speak. Presumably lesbians would need to make other arrangements. Perhaps a turkey baster plug for their procreative sockets.

He’s afraid of dysfunctional Hallmark moments too. “We just had father’s day,” he explained. “What do you say to these kids when you have two mothers?”

How about, “excuse me Johnny you have two Daddies. We know that makes picking out a Father’s Day card a little tricky, but suck it up. Life’s hard kid.”

It seems this whole gay marriage thing is a bigger issue than holding Latin-only mass. What would happen if Fridays went fish-free? What if that papal infallibility thing turned out to be wrong? What would happen if Ratzie suddenly said, “Oops, it turns out that pedophiliac priests really aren’t very wholesome after all. Phew, glad I can make infallible corrections.”

Bill, priests are hard to come by these days and your congregations are shrinking. Isn’t it time you and Ratzie drag the church into the 16th century? A time when the Earth is round and the planets revolve around the sun? Americans are running from this medieval nonsense and that can’t be a good thing. Your Big Boss upstairs can’t be happy about your results and you know it’s not nice to fool with your Superior Being.

C’mon Bill, let’s plug Prong A into Slot B and catch up with the times.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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