President Obama(F-USA), just gave a speech on his Afghanistan policy.  It was pronounced dead on arrival. Here is my coroner’s report, piece by piece.  His speech is in italics.  My coroner’s observations in regular print. Here goes:

Good evening. Nearly ten years ago, America suffered the worst attack on our shores since Pearl Harbor. This mass murder was planned by Osama bin Laden and his al Qaeda network in Afghanistan, and signaled a new threat to our security – one in which the targets were no longer soldiers on a battlefield, but innocent men, women and children going about their daily lives.
Duh! 

In the days that followed, our nation was united as we struck at al Qaeda and routed the Taliban in Afghanistan. Then, our focus shifted. A second war was launched in Iraq, and we spent enormous blood and treasure to support a new government there. By the time I took office, the war in Afghanistan had entered its seventh year. But al Qaeda’s leaders had escaped into Pakistan and were plotting new attacks, while the Taliban had regrouped and gone on the offensive. Without a new strategy and decisive action, our military commanders warned that we could face a resurgent al Qaeda, and a Taliban taking over large parts of Afghanistan.

Routed the Taliban? Really? Didn’t know W did that well, though I concede they were driven from the government in Afghanistan by overwhelming military force. Al Qaeda’s leaders escaped into Pakistan because the troops that had surrounded them at Tora Bora were withdrawn for the invasion of Iraq. But never mind! Our Dear Leader won’t mention THAT! It’s in the past, after all. We need to look forward! And, military leaders always warn of new dangers when they want more resources. Nothing to see here. Moving along… 

For this reason, in one of the most difficult decisions that I’ve made as President, I ordered an additional 30,000 American troops into Afghanistan. When I announced this surge at West Point, we set clear objectives: to refocus on al Qaeda; reverse the Taliban’s momentum; and train Afghan Security Forces to defend their own country. I also made it clear that our commitment would not be open-ended, and that we would begin to drawdown our forces this July.

Bullshit? Anyone? Anyone? When you ran for President, Barry, you talked about additional resources to Afghanistan, true. But you certainly never said or implied that by the end of your first term we would have the exact same number of troops on the ground there as we did when you took office. The implication was that we would definitely have fewer troops there. 

Tonight, I can tell you that we are fulfilling that commitment. Thanks to our men and women in uniform, our civilian personnel, and our many coalition partners, we are meeting our goals. As a result, starting next month, we will be able to remove 10,000 of our troops from Afghanistan by the end of this year, and we will bring home a total of 33,000 troops by next summer, fully recovering the surge I announced at West Point. After this initial reduction, our troops will continue coming home at a steady pace as Afghan Security forces move into the lead. Our mission will change from combat to support. By 2014, this process of transition will be complete, and the Afghan people will be responsible for their own security.

As Afghan security forces move into the lead, eh? Anyone remember Vietnamization? How well did that work? Don’t you just love how history repeats? 

We are starting this drawdown from a position of strength. Al Qaeda is under more pressure than at any time since 9/11. Together with the Pakistanis, we have taken out more than half of al Qaeda’s leadership. And thanks to our intelligence professionals and Special Forces, we killed Osama bin Laden, the only leader that al Qaeda had ever known. This was a victory for all who have served since 9/11. One soldier summed it up well. “The message,” he said, “is we don’t forget. You will be held accountable, no matter how long it takes.”

I killed the SOB that Bush couldn’t! All praise to me! Sorry, dude, you ordered Navy SEALS to kill one fanatic, and they did. So what? My personal income is stagnant. 

The information that we recovered from bin Laden’s compound shows al Qaeda under enormous strain. Bin Laden expressed concern that al Qaeda has been unable to effectively replace senior terrorists that have been killed, and that al Qaeda has failed in its effort to portray America as a nation at war with Islam – thereby draining more widespread support. Al Qaeda remains dangerous, and we must be vigilant against attacks. But we have put al Qaeda on a path to defeat, and we will not relent until the job is done.

So, if Al Qaeda is so weak, why are we spending more money in Yemen to defeat them? Please define “the job is done.” Sounds like you’re telling us we still need to be afraid of this pack of criminals. Why didn’t you just send in a good SWAT team to begin with? And, how much does it cost ME to “not relent until the job is done?” 

In Afghanistan, we’ve inflicted serious losses on the Taliban and taken a number of its strongholds. Along with our surge, our allies also increased their commitments, which helped stabilize more of the country. Afghan Security Forces have grown by over 100,000 troops, and in some provinces and municipalities we have already begun to transition responsibility for security to the Afghan people. In the face of violence and intimidation, Afghans are fighting and dying for their country, establishing local police forces, opening markets and schools, creating new opportunities for women and girls, and trying to turn the page on decades of war.

Liar. Our allies are withdrawing. The Afghan forces only continue to dazzle us with their amazing ability to be corrupted by an avalanche of American dollars. Are the South Vietnamese giving them lessons? 

Of course, huge challenges remain. This is the beginning – but not the end – of our effort to wind down this war. We will have to do the hard work of keeping the gains that we have made, while we drawdown our forces and transition responsibility for security to the Afghan government. And next May, in Chicago, we will host a summit with our NATO allies and partners to shape the next phase of this transition.

This is the BEGINNING? After 10 freaking years? Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? 

We do know that peace cannot come to a land that has known so much war without a political settlement. So as we strengthen the Afghan government and Security Forces, America will join initiatives that reconcile the Afghan people, including the Taliban. Our position on these talks is clear: they must be led by the Afghan government, and those who want to be a part of a peaceful Afghanistan must break from al Qaeda, abandon violence, and abide by the Afghan Constitution. But, in part because of our military effort, we have reason to believe that progress can be made.

Peace has never come to Afghanistan. Those people love to fight. If there are not foreign invaders or occupiers, they will fight each other. I know this is a politically incorrect thing to say, but that does not make it untrue. Even Genghis Khan had more sense than to try to occupy Afghanistan. 

The goal that we seek is achievable, and can be expressed simply: no safe-haven from which al Qaeda or its affiliates can launch attacks against our homeland, or our allies. We will not try to make Afghanistan a perfect place. We will not police its streets or patrol its mountains indefinitely. That is the responsibility of the Afghan government, which must step up its ability to protect its people; and move from an economy shaped by war to one that can sustain a lasting peace. What we can do, and will do, is build a partnership with the Afghan people that endures – one that ensures that we will be able to continue targeting terrorists and supporting a sovereign Afghan government.

WHAT Afghan government? WHAT Afghan people? They’re a bunch of TRIBES who don’t like each other very much, dude! 

Of course, our efforts must also address terrorist safe-havens in Pakistan. No country is more endangered by the presence of violent extremists, which is why we will continue to press Pakistan to expand its participation in securing a more peaceful future for this war-torn region. We will work with the Pakistani government to root out the cancer of violent extremism, and we will insist that it keep its commitments. For there should be no doubt that so long as I am President, the United States will never tolerate a safe-haven for those who aim to kill us: they cannot elude us, nor escape the justice they deserve.

Oh, joy. Piss off a civilized people with nukes. Brilliant. 

My fellow Americans, this has been a difficult decade for our country. We have learned anew the profound cost of war — a cost that has been paid by the nearly 4500 Americans who have given their lives in Iraq, and the over 1500 who have done so in Afghanistan – men and women who will not live to enjoy the freedom that they defended. Thousands more have been wounded. Some have lost limbs on the field of battle, and others still battle the demons that have followed them home.

And what are YOU doing to provide the exorcism of the demons that have followed our brave soldiers home, sir? Any increase in the VA budget on the table by raising taxes on the likes of Newt Gingrich and Jamie Dimon? (waiting) Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

Yet tonight, we take comfort in knowing that the tide of war is receding. Fewer of our sons and daughters are serving in harm’s way. We have ended our combat mission in Iraq, with 100,000 American troops already out of that country. And even as there will be dark days ahead in Afghanistan, the light of a secure peace can be seen in the distance. These long wars will come to a responsible end.

Light of a secure peace? Anyone else remember “The light at the end of the tunnel” speech by General Westmoreland? 

As they do, we must learn their lessons. Already this decade of war has caused many to question the nature of America’s engagement around the world. Some would have America retreat from our responsibility as an anchor of global security, and embrace an isolation that ignores the very real threats that we face. Others would have America over-extend ourselves, confronting every evil that can be found abroad.

Ah, the centrist argument. Embrace the worst of both sides to achieve greater disasters while avoiding making any real decisions! Way to go, dude! 

We must chart a more centered course. Like generations before, we must embrace America’s singular role in the course of human events. But we must be as pragmatic as we are passionate; as strategic as we are resolute. When threatened, we must respond with force – but when that force can be targeted, we need not deploy large armies overseas. When innocents are being slaughtered and global security endangered, we don’t have to choose between standing idly by or acting on our own. Instead, we must rally international action, which we are doing in Libya, where we do not have a single soldier on the ground, but are supporting allies in protecting the Libyan people and giving them the chance to determine their destiny.

The international community doesn’t want squat to do with Afghanistan, and the Afghans don’t want squat to do with them. There seems to be a reasonable solution: GET OUT NOW! Well, you won’t listen to the likes of me. And Libya? War Powers Act, anyone? Not a single soldier on the ground, eh? That’s probably a lie, as there are probably Special Forces there, but the Japanese could have said the same thing about Pearl Harbor. 

In all that we do, we must remember that what sets America apart is not solely our power – it is the principles upon which our union was founded. We are a nation that brings our enemies to justice while adhering to the rule of law, and respecting the rights of all our citizens. We protect our own freedom and prosperity by extending it to others. We stand not for empire, but for self-determination. That is why we have a stake in the democratic aspirations that are now washing across the Arab World. We will support those revolutions with fidelity to our ideals, with the power of our example, and with an unwavering belief that all human beings deserve to live with freedom and dignity.

That was a truly magnificent piece of horsehockey, I’ll grant you that. Every phrase a lie. You surpass Nixon, sir. I salute you. 

Above all, we are a nation whose strength abroad has been anchored in opportunity for our citizens at home. Over the last decade, we have spent a trillion dollars on war, at a time of rising debt and hard economic times. Now, we must invest in America’s greatest resource – our people. We must unleash innovation that creates new jobs and industry, while living within our means. We must rebuild our infrastructure and find new and clean sources of energy. And most of all, after a decade of passionate debate, we must recapture the common purpose that we shared at the beginning of this time of war. For our nation draws strength from our differences, and when our union is strong no hill is too steep and no horizon is beyond our reach.

Now you surpass Reagan in Shining City on the Hill tripe. And you’re lying about clean energy because you won’t tax the oil companies to spend any money on it, but, never mind, great Reaganesque crap. I salute you again, sir. 

America, it is time to focus on nation building here at home.

BAWAHAHAHA! 

In this effort, we draw inspiration from our fellow Americans who have sacrificed so much on our behalf. To our troops, our veterans and their families, I speak for all Americans when I say that we will keep our sacred trust with you, and provide you with the care, and benefits, and opportunity that you deserve.

Cry me a river. 

I met some of those patriotic Americans at Fort Campbell. A while back, I spoke to the 101st Airborne that has fought to turn the tide in Afghanistan, and to the team that took out Osama bin Laden. Standing in front of a model of bin Laden’s compound, the Navy SEAL who led that effort paid tribute to those who had been lost – brothers and sisters in arms whose names are now written on bases where our troops stand guard overseas, and on headstones in quiet corners of our country where their memory will never be forgotten. This officer – like so many others I have met with on bases, in Baghdad and Bagram, at Walter Reed and Bethesda Naval Hospital – spoke with humility about how his unit worked together as one – depending on each other, and trusting one another, as a family might do in a time of peril.

Shameless exploiter of veterans. 

That’s a lesson worth remembering – that we are all a part of one American family. Though we have known disagreement and division, we are bound together by the creed that is written into our founding documents, and a conviction that the United States of America is a country that can achieve whatever it sets out to accomplish. Now, let us finish the work at hand. Let us responsibly end these wars, and reclaim the American Dream that is at the center of our story. With confidence in our cause; with faith in our fellow citizens; and with hope in our hearts, let us go about the work of extending the promise of America – for this generation, and the next. May God bless our troops. And may God bless the United States of America.

WHOSE American Dream? Not mine. Dude, your speech was so lame and wooden you make Al Gore in 2000 look exciting. Pathetic. I could also see your eyes move when you read the teleprompter. You’re losing your touch.
But you lost me long before.

 

Ohio Barbarian

Ohio Barbarian

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