Drama drama drama:

Beck went to Israel and Jerusalem last week. He warned his listeners on Monday that he thinks disaster is imminent for Israel, because of a “two state solution that cuts off Jerusalem” from the world.

“God is involved in man’s affairs, but so is the force of darkness,” Beck continued ominously. “I believe I’ve been asked to stand in Jerusalem. Many in the history of man have had the opportunity to stand with the Jewish people…and they have failed.” He asked listeners to “stand with me, in Jerusalem” in August.

Beck candidly admitted that he didn’t know how many people would show up, or how much the event would cost. But he called the rally a “life altering event” and warned that the “very gates of hell” would fight his attempts to hold the rally.

First of all, it’s a lot of pressure to put on Israel, to give meaning to Glenn Beck’s life. I sort of feel like ordinary Israelis have it rough enough, without this nutmeat descending thither and bringing his be-visored hordes of pasty followers to put out their cigarettes in ancient ruins and ask how much everything is in dollars. It seems kind of unfair.

Second, if I’m the devil, I’m really, really annoyed by this, right? I’m the Prince of Darkness, and I’m over there in my — wait, my Catholicism’s failing me, does the devil have, like, a house? A castle? What? Anyway, I’m in my house, bitching about how Twilight and True Blood are just harshing my street cred, and a minion comes in with the news that Glenn Beck has now declared that I will oppose him.

Which is inconvenient, because now everybody else in the hell dimension thinks I hang out with Glenn Beck. And I have to go update my Facebook status and send out e-mails and reassure God, because he’s a teenage girl sometimes, that he’s really the one I want to oppose for all eternity, and it is not in the slightest how I wanted to spend my Monday night. I had a fresh box of frogs delivered, and Loki and I were going to try loading them into his potato gun and go have some fun at PETA headquarters. But no, now I gotta do this.

I don’t even know who this guy IS, I mean, every time the phone rings it’s some Republican dillweed wanting to get on my fight schedule, but he’s promised them the gates of hell and all I’m saying is it might be nice if some of them would call first before they start slapping posters up, because I have a reputation to uphold, and between this and that sparkly little vampire jerk, I am not having a very good year. Somebody get me a dry martini and a colony of baby harp seals, okay? Daddy needs some target practice.


Allison Hantschel

Allison Hantschel

Allison Hantschel is a 10-year veteran of the newspaper business. She publishes First Draft, a writing and politics blog, with her partners Holden, Jude and Scout. She is the author of the books Chicago's Historic Irish Pubs (2011, Arcadia Publishing, with Mike Danahey) and It Doesn’t End With Us: The Story of the Daily Cardinal, about a great liberal journalism institution (2007, Heritage Books). She also edited the anthology “Special Plans: The Blogs on Douglas Feith and the Faulty Intelligence That Led to War” (2005, William, James & Co.) Her work has appeared in the Chicago Sun-Times, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, the Daily Southtown, Sirens Magazine, and Alternet. She lives in Chicago with her husband, two ferrets, and approximately 60 tons of books.