Shadowproof

Snow Day Pointers for Mayor Wannabes

Hey you. The candidate running for office in some midwest municipality, the kind of locale which gets nailed and hard by snow at least once a year. Not the four to six inches of snow kind of mess — the blizzard kind of mess which locks up your municipality for at least a day.

We know you’re under pressure to be all “Cory Booker, Super Mayor” after Booker’s heroic efforts to dig out his city while using social media. We’ll cut you some slack and acknowledge that Booker might be a one-off kind of guy, able to leap mounds of snow and dispense diapers to shut-in parents in a single bound. You don’t have to do all that, especially being a mere candidate.

But for all that is holy, be authentic at whatever you decide to do. Judges used to sitting in cushy offices might not be able to see through you, but voters can, and that’s what really matters. Here’s some pointers for you, laid out as simply as possible in terms you’ll understand:

1. Get a shovel. — A real snow fucking shovel. Not one of these OMFG-I-Forgot-To-Get-A-Shovel last-minute/last- shovel-left things. Christ, this thing looks like the toy snow shovel I gave my kid when they were four.

2. Dress for success, will you? — Are you fucking kidding me? Dockers with cuffs in the snow? Dude, this is so not Casual Friday at the office. Wear jeans with some long underwear, or some Goretex pants over these damned things. Act like you’re from the Midwest and know how to dress for the snow, eh?

3. Those. Are. Not. The. Right. Boots. — Just, no. No working stiff would wear nubuck workboots in slush and snow, even if they’re waterproof. And what the hell are those anyhow? They don’t look like Carhartt, Redwing, Caterpillar, Dickies, or Timberland boots — wait, unless they’re the Timberland boots at Nordstrom’s, which as we all know is every working Joe’s favorite place to shop for sturdy work boots. Not.

By the way, your mouth is going more than the shovel is in this photo. Less talking, more shoveling. . .

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